Posted in 29 for 29, Humor, Life Musings

29 of my favorite films and the witticisms I shamelessly stole from them

Anyone who knows my family knows we communicate 10-30% in movie quotes on any given day. Below are the films I’ve stolen some of my most frequently-used quotes from, in absolutely no order because I tried and it was just too hard to self-analyze based on frequency. You’ll all live.

29. Pirates of the Caribbean films
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“I love those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass by.”
“But why is the rum gone?”
“Wait for the opportune moment.”
“I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request.”
“I’m dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly, it’s the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they’re going to do something incredibly stupid.”
“They’re more what you’d call guidelines…”
“The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem.”

28. Indiana Jones
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“It’s not the years, it’s the mileage.”
“No, the OTHER right, YOUR right.”
“Snakes. Why’d it have to be SNAKES?”

27. Thank You for Smoking
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“I’m never wrong.”
“I proved that you’re wrong, and if you’re wrong, then I’m right.”
“Well, that’s one theory.”

26. Breakfast at Tiffany’s
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“It’s useful being top banana in the shock department.”
“There are certain shades of limelight that can wreck a girl’s complexion.”
“People don’t belong to people.”
“How do I look?”
“Anyone who ever gave you confidence, you owe them a lot.”
“What do you do, anyway?”

25. Wet Hot American Summer
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deadpan: “You guys aren’t supposed to be <out of your bunks>…you’re in trouble…”
“You taste like a burger, I don’t like you anymore.”
“Your craft is a muscle, you have to exercise it.”
“Take a break, think about what you’ve done.”

24. My Big Fat Greek Wedding
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“It’s okay, I make lamb.”
“Put some windex on it.”
“There’s a hole in this cake.”
“A boont?”

23. Monty Python and the Holy Grail
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“It’s just a flesh wound.”
“What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?”
“Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries.”
“A path, a path!”
“Help! Help! I’m being repressed!”
“HUGE…tracts of land.”
“There are some who call me…Tim?”
“I’m not dead yet!”
“You make me sad.”
“Run awaaaaaayyyy…”

22. Saved!
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“It’s all a grey area.”
“If God wanted us all to be the same, why would he make us all so different?”

21. Hercules
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“It’s been a real slice.”
“Memo to me, memo to me…”
“He’s a GUY.”
“I’m a big, tough girl. I tie my own sandals and everything.”
“I’m a damsel. I’m in distress. I can handle it. Have a nice day!”

20. Dogma
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“The buddy Christ!”
“Genocide’s the most exhausting activity a person can participate in…next to soccer.”
“Well, I say we get drunk, ’cause I’m all out of ideas.”
“It was worth a try.”

19. Sandlot
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“Some more of what?”
“FOR-EV-ER.”

18. Star Wars trilogy (almost cheating, I know)
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“May the force be with you.”
“I love you. /I know.”
“These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.”
“I find your lack of faith disturbing.”
“I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”
“It’s a trap!”
“Never tell me the odds.”

17. Dazed and Confused
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“Alright, alright, alright…”
“You know what I like about high school[ers]?”
“All I’m saying is that if I ever start referring to these as the best years of my life – remind me to kill myself.”

16. Out Cold
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“Carpe the diem. Seize the…carp.”
“Needed burnin'”
“Well, see ya out there!”
“He…died. In a freak dogsled accident. Yeah, an 8-dogsled pile-up. It’s was horrible. The dogs are okay…”
“Everybody knows, nobody cares.”

15. Orange County
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“Money can’t buy happiness!” “Oh grow up, yes it can!”
“Where are your pants, Joe?” “I had to take them off…to run faster through the flames…”
“And she said, I hate my job, I’m gonna burn this mother down! And I said, you better not…you, you better not…”

14. The Princess Bride
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“You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”
“Life is pain, anyone who says different is selling something.”
“You’re only saying that because no one ever has.”
“As you wish.”
“Your vote of confidence is overwhelming.”

13. Love Actually
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“Just in cases!”
“Life is full of interruptions and complications.”
“FUCK! It’s freezing!”
“Hiya kids, here’s an important message form your Uncle Bill…”
“I don’t want something I need. I want something I want.”
“Do you think everybody knows?”

12. When Harry Met Sally
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“I’ll have what she’s having.”
“You’re right, you’re right, I know, you’re right.”
“On the side is a very big thing with you.”
“See, you look normal, but actually you’re the devil.”

11. Blazing Saddles
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“‘Scuse me while I whip this out.”
“And isn’t it a love-e-ly mornin?”
“Are we awake?”
“Splendid, splendid.”
“Hello boys, have a good night’s rest? I missed you!”
“Harumph, harumph!”
“Wilkommen, bienvenue, welcome, come on in!”
“Need any help?” “Oh, all I can get.”
“Schnitzengruben.”
“I must, I must!”
“These are people of the land…the common clay…you know, morons.”
“Lily lily lily legs lily lily” (to my dog, don’t worry)

10. Some Like It Hot
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“They all just want one thing from a girl.”
“I always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop!”
“Well, nobody’s perfect.”

9. What Happens in Vegas
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“You know why.”
“Seriously? I like, threw up in my purse last night.”
“I’m just giving you what you want, baby.”

8. Mean Girls
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“Boo, you whore.”
“Please stop talking.”
“You can’t just ask someone why she’s white.”
“I just have a lot of feelings.”
“You can’t sit with us!”
“Why are you so obsessed with me?”

7. America’s Sweethearts
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“I’m a paranoid schizophrenic, I am my own entourage.”
“I dream about bread.”
“Ever heard of falling off the wagon? This is what it looks like.”
“Life is a cookie.”
“Kiki! Kikikins!”
“I don’t care.”
“You’re the only one she’ll pretend to listen to.”

6. Little Miss Sunshine
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“Losers are people who are so afraid of winning, they don’t even try.”
“When you’re young, you’re crazy to do that shit. I’m old! When you’re old, you’re crazy not to do it.”
“You’re not nearly as stupid as you look.”
“Fuck a lotta women, kid, I have no reason to lie to you. Not just one, a lotta women.”
“High school’s your prime suffering years! You don’t get better suffering than that!”
“You do what you love and fuck the rest.”
“Everybody just pretend to be normal.”

5. The Sweetest Thing
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“That is the sweetest thing!”
“You named the puppy.”
“50% of what people say when they’re joking is true.”
“NO. That is NOT okay.”
“Yeah, no, I’m good, never better – never better.”
“You can always just…get divorced!”
“I look beautiful.”

4. 10 Things I Hate About You
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“…and hell is just a sauna.”
“Hates you with the first of a thousand suns.”
“So now that you’ve seen *the plan* I’m going to go show…the plan…to someone else.”
“I don’t want to hear that defeatist attitude from you.”
“Are you saying I’m not a pretty guy?”
“The shit hath hiteth the fan-eth.”
“I’m confiscating this. This too.”
“Someday, you’re gonna get bitch slapped and I’m not gonna do a thing to stop it.”
“Don’t let anyone, ever, make you feel like you don’t deserve what you want.”
“I know you can be overwhelmed and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?”
“I want you, I need you, oh baby, oh baby.”
“Just because you’re beautiful doesn’t mean you can treat people like they don’t matter.”

3. Eurotrip
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“Seemed easier.”
“I am never drinking again.”
“This is definitely where I parked my car.”
“The girls never came!”
“I’m freakin’ out, man, I’m freakin’ out!
“Here’s a fun fact…”

2. Zoolander
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“…it doesn’t mean that we too can’t not die in a freak gasoline fight accident.”
“How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read… if they can’t even fit inside the building?”
“I’m pretty sure there’s a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking.”
“Are you serious? I just told you that a moment ago.”
“I think I’m getting the black lung, pop.”

1. Garden State 
giphy.gif“Don’t tease me about my hobbies. I don’t tease you about being an asshole.”
“If you can’t laugh at yourself, life’s going to seem a whole lot longer than you’d like.”
“Good luck exploring the infinite abyss.”
“So what do we do now?”

 

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Posted in Humor

Do I Like Jello?

There are a lot of great Christmas movies out there. There are also a lot of awful Christmas movies out there. Most of the latter are on Netflix, so load up that queue.

I have my own little list of preferences and traditions…but there’s one that has always been one of my favorites, and tonight, it claimed the spot of honor as the first Christmas movie I watched this year.

My fave for this year is….While You Were Sleeping. 

Y’all, this movie is so good that I like it even though I’m not really a Sandra Bullock fan. Why is it so good? Simple. It’s about a sweet girl who saves this guy and ends up becoming a part of his family. By lying about being his fiancee and then falling in love with his brother.

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Bless Lucy (Bullock’s character), she’s such a poor, lonely little girl just trying to do the right thing. She’s so easy to relate to – especially as a single chick.

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You can totally forgive her for the whole lying bit.

Basically, it’s something I would do. I am her, a little bit, I love traveling even though I don’t get to do it often, I live alone with my pet, I tend to fall for guys rather quickly and irrationally, and her (eventual) family is a little overwhelming.

Plus, I mean, it’s perfect in its humor. Not over-done, not too subtle…just right.

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And it teaches us what leaning really means. I can’t tell you how many times a year I reference this.

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That’s something you don’t learn in school, folks. (At least, I didn’t.)

So this holiday season, make time to watch an old 90s classic. And eat some jello, because who doesn’t like jello?

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Posted in Humor, Life Musings, This is real life.

…said every female sidekick ever.

I’ve been watching a lot of Netflix lately.

Like…a lot. Plus, I’ve been making my way through my DVD collection as well, mostly under the guise of finding deep/meaningful/full of crap movie quotes to go along with my first day of school lesson plan.

During all of this binge-watching, I started to notice something. As I watched plot line after tired but-still-loved romantic comedy plot line, I found myself thinking, “That’s so me!” quite a bit when the female supporting roles came on the screen. At first, I was concerned that this reoccurrence of phrase meant that someone was spiking my Diet Caffeine-free Dr. Peppers, as I’m prone to say “I LOVE THIS SONG!” repeatedly at Barcadia.

But then, my brain actually caught up (it’s out of shape from the summer, y’all). And I realized that not only was my drink of choice not spiked…with anything at all…but that my thoughts were pretty legit. Because apparently, I’m the ultimate female sidekick for any film or just for life in general.

Instead of using my words, I’m going to use memes. A ton of them.

Exhibit A: Like any good sidekick, I’m kind of a bitch.

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Exhibit B: Which comes in handy when I need to stand up for my BFF, because of a chick…

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 …or because of a dude.

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Exhibit C: It’s pretty easy for me, because I generally don’t care about others judging me.

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Exhibit D: And I always know exactly how to get a guy to leave us the hell alone.

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Exhibit E: The good news is, if I can make it through the crazy, part of being a romcom sidekick is that you spend a lot of time boozing and dancing and chatting up strangers.

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Exhibit F: Sometimes I’m like, super-smooth when I flirt because I understand all the unwritten rules of the situation.

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Exhibit G: But most of the time, I’m just ridiculously awkward and/or lame.

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Exhibit H: Plus, I have really high expectations of every man I date.

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Exhibit I: And my relationships definitely aren’t long-term in any sense of the word.

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Exhibit J: Basically, I’m perpetually on my own.

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Exhibit K: Unfortunately, despite the evidence to the contrary, I like to think that I’m pretty level-headed about relationships and dating. So you should always do as I say, not as I do.

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Exhibit L: Seriously: never as I do.

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DOUBLE BONUS (it’s extra AND you get cool points if you totally understand)

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Exhibit M: Still, I have plenty of wisdom from my failed romantic exploits to share with the world.

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Exhibit N: And when it comes down to it, I would do anything for my girls, from attending work-related functions…

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Exhibit O: …to attending destination weddings where I inexplicably burst into song…

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Exhibit P: …to attending a wedding that you’re totally not invited to but really need to crash…on laundry day…

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Exhibit Q: …or maybe even a wedding that they really and truly wish they didn’t have to attend…

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Exhibit R: Basically, I’m down for weddings, although I can’t always hide my true feelings about the obligations that stem from said weddings.

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Exhibit S: But hey, I’ll be there! It’s important to support your friends.

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Especially to their faces.

Exhibit T: And even more especially when what they really need is for you to drop some serious truth on them. 

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Exhibit U: Usually those truth bombs end up being pretty effing hilarious because I’m witty and sarcastic and you love it.

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Exhibit V: At least my friends know that I’ll always give them the bad advice if it’s the advice they need.

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Exhibit W: Sometimes, I have to ask the hard questions, even if it’s not “comfortable” for everyone.

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Exhibit X: I can totally get an answer to pretty much any awkward question, because I’m speaking their language. Or I make up my own.

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Exhibit Y: Ultimately, my friends totally value having me in their circle, because when I know them and I know what they need to hear, even if they don’t want to hear it. 

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Exhibit Z: Also: I’m classy.

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THE END

I am pretty proud of myself for getting all the way through the alphabet on this one!

Clearly, I am the queen of all the romcom-chickflick sidekicks. Girl ones, at least. I should go on Etsy. Do they have a category for that? I’m too classy for Craigslist.

New to-do list item: research non-hooker way to sell yourself.