Posted in ...for real people, Humor, This is real life.

If my brain live-blogged Zumba after a 1.5 year hiatus

For a number of reasons (one of which was definitely laziness), I decided to take a half-year hiatus with my Zumba classes a year and a half ago. Yes, there’s a distinct difference. For those who may not know me incredibly well, I like to tell people that I “don’t sport,” which is a gross understatement. The good news for you, readers, is that I get extra-sassy/snarky when I’m trying to do anything that could be considered “athletic.”

Here’s an uncensored (fair warning) version of every thought I can remember between 4:21pm when I arrived at the elementary school gym to 5:38pm when I left. Times are rough and approximate, because like, I only remember precisely the beginning, dead center, and close to the end. You’ll see.

4:21 Ok, good, only like 6 people here, I’ll get a good spot. Lemme sign in.

4:22 Yeah, they definitely need this waiver from me because I’m the clumsiest damn person who ever thought about taking Zumba. It’s only a matter of time until I break a bone. Maybe today – who knows?

4:24 Okay, I can see the instructor and my purse from this angle. Second row, middle-ish. Everyone’s going to see me fuck up, but at least I’ll be able to see her well enough to know what I’m not doing right.

4:25 There’s technically-perfect girl who’s been coming for longer than I’ve been teaching, I hope she stands in front of me, because we’re equally white and I can just see what she’s doing when I don’t understand what to do with my butt.

4:26 Hey! There’s my friend that used to work with me! I hope she says hi.

4:27 God, she gives the best hugs. I miss her. Wait – is that pregnant girl? Aw, I bet her kid’s like walking and stuff now. Yikes. At least now I won’t be intimidated by the fact that an 8-and-a-half-month pregnant lady is better at Zumba than I am.

4:28 WAIT. Is pregnant girl pregnant again? Yes! Yes she is! That woman totally just touched the bump and she didn’t yell at her! Well, there goes that silver lining.

4:30 It’s nice that she remembers me, less nice that she pointed out it’s been a while for “some of us.” That’s me, folks, the girl with the tattoos all over her thighs. You were already judging me for that so….bring it, bitches

4:32 Warm up time! Yes! Hey muscles I don’t use on a regular basis! Nice to feel you again! I hope new girl has a good time and comes back. Like, I almost didn’t for the each time for the first month or so, but it got a lot better. I can’t believe I stopped, I’m so stupid.

4:34 Okay, okay, I remember these steppy things, I’m okay, I’m okay. I still hate Despacito, but it’s okay.

4:36 That was fun. I like the ones with grapevine steps. It took me so long to get good at them, but apparently they’re like riding a bike, except not for me because I can’t ride a bike anymore because of the tailbone issue, so like, maybe I’ll start referring to things that are easy as “it’s like doing a grapevine step.” People think I’m weird anyway, so it’ll be fine.

4:37 Yaaaas, lots of simple steps in this one. And the hip bump! I’m so good at the hip bump!

still 4:37 OMG, I can’t believe I can still do that whole clap-under-the-knee thing that quick, I totally thought I was going to fall on my ass when I tried that, but I am still on two feet. Yes. Success. I am amazing.

4:38 Why are these people not picking their feet up? You’re supposed to like, bounce then hop then kick, not drag then step and flail, come on, fam, get into it!

4:39 Okay, okay, this song is a little longer than I anticipated. My legs aren’t going as high anymore.

still 4:39 Maybe if I just like, stop being so bouncy, I’ll still be able to do the leg-clappy-thing.

still still 4:39 Oh GOD I’m going downhill so fast – why was I so energetic at the beginning of this song? Zumba is not a goddamned sprint, Erin, what were you thinking?

4:40 I made it. I made it. I made it.

4:41 Yep, actually drinking water now. While walking. Why is everyone else just standing while they drink their water and talk about how out of shape they are? Did no one listen to her? Like, I’m dying, but I’m still going to keep my feet moving to keep my heart rate up! Rookie move, folks.

4:42 Okay, let’s go. I hope this one is mostly upper body.

4:43 THIGHS? You can’t make us do the jumpy-clap thing and then just be like, “Oh, hey, now we’re going to go squat-jumpy-things.” That’s not okay! That’s NOT okay.

4:44 I swear to God, thighs, if you survive this, you don’t have to do anything for the rest of the week. I won’t wear boots with heels, I’ll take the elevator, just…do this for me.

4:45 My thigh muscles are to me what my students’ language skills are to them. 

4:46 Like, I could feel bad for thinking that, but I’m not going to. Hurtful? Truthful. Christ. It’s like my thigh muscles literally don’t even know how to move, which is what I hear they were designed for, because science.

4:48 Yes, yes, yes. Skinny-twisty-hippy thing. Has to be. It’s in Spanish.

4:50 I know they said the air was off, but it wasn’t really a big deal to me until now…

4:51 Ooooo, that does not feel great. This whole shimmy thing might be a bad idea for me at this particular juncture.

4:53 Okay, okay, okay, self. Let’s just…move from side to side for a minute. You’ll be okay. Just keep your feet moving and for the love of all things holy, do not pass out in this gym.

4:54 Oh God, definitely DO NOT THROW UP IN FRONT OF THESE ADULTS. Get it the fuck together, Erin.

4:55 Okay, feel better. New song, new start. And besides, maybe part of the unsettling thing is embarrassment that you had to stop and like, everyone can see you. NBD, look at the bright side – you probably made new girl feel better she was getting so upset when everyone was doing the spinny stuff and she was out of sync and then everyone saw, so she totally needed that schadenfraude.

4:56 I bet the cast of Avenue Q didn’t have to work out. I could be a puppeteer.

4:57 Oh fuck me, we’re not even halfway through yet. Dear sweet baby Jesus.

4:58 Why did I come to this? I’m so stupid. I love my fat and not being in shape. I don’t need muscles. What I need to do is lower my standards and settle for someone moderately annoying but who can reach things and lift things and do things for me and I can keep being soft and slow and he’ll love me anyway even if he’s a massive loser that I have to support and apologize for. Like, the emotional and mental strain I know how to deal with, so at this point, it might be worth it. We could just have separate bedrooms and maybe I could get a job where I travel a lot.

4:59 Oh goddamn it, if I travel a lot, then I still need to be in shape because my loser, settled-for husband won’t be there to pick things up for me. Shit shit shit.

5:01 Over the halfway mark, so I only have to….do this all over again. I might cry.

5:03 Okay, I am so lost on this one. It’s all footwork. Remember when I was good at footwork when I was like 5 and my dad was my soccer coach? That was a nice time.

5:04 At least I don’t feel like fainting again.

5:05 How unfair is it that I get 0% of either of my parents’ coordination? My dad was a gymnast and my mom likes to dance and here I am, like, “Hi, I’m Erin and I can sometimes stand still without injuring myself.” Sometimes. I’ll just…move my feet in the correct directions and not hop so people don’t realize just how off I am.

5:06 I know everyone knows how off I am. I don’t even care.

5:08 Oh, oh we’re going to use EVERY muscle in our bodies on this next one? Oh good. That will feel awesome. What do you MEAN our fingertip muscles? Those aren’t a thing. They’re like, tendons and squishy flesh. And even if there are muscles, they’re little, and they need to stay little. No one’s impressed by muscular fingers.

5:09 Open a window? There aren’t any windows to open in here. Nice imagery, but like, no one even has functional shutters like that in the United States. Maybe Greece. Are you taking us to Greece? Because then this exercise might be worth it. But to live in the US? Nah. We have to pull the windows up, so why do these muscles need to be in shape?

5:10 I better be able to manually open an elevator after this because my arms are going to punish me all day tomorrow. Are the kids using the Chromebooks? God, I hope so.

5:11 No, no, we’re not doing technology tomorrow, we’re reading the book and writing in our notebooks with me modeling under the Elmo, fuuuuuuuuuuuck. At least A Long Walk to Water is really small, but it’ll probably feel like it’s 25 pounds. Maybe I can put it on a table with like, paperweights. Do I have two paperweights? I have at least one, and like, a shit-ton of stationery implements.

5:12 I CANNOT OPEN A WINDOW SLOWER. No one opens windows slowly. In Disney movies, the princesses like, fling windows open so their fucking bird friends can fly in and help them with their chores. Where are my friends to help me? Nowhere. I have three dogs and a stray possum that refuses to be trapped, and all they do is make more problems for me. Like, I might let rats hang out if they did some chores.

5:14 All the windows are open now. Good. Let’s take it down a notch.

5:15 You did not just say more squats.

5:16 Okay, look, if you really think you want me to lunge-squat-lunge-squat and repeat, then it really has been a while since you had me in class, but okay. I signed that waiver.

5:17 I’m doing it! Hey! Just a little slippery. I’ve got this.

5:18 My thighs do NOT have this. Like, I could do straight squats but that’s the easy way out. I can do this. I can do this.

5:19 Yes, I’m fine. I’m fine. Yes, I’ll just do regular squats. Oh, NOW you remember that I’m the clumsy one? I mean, if you didn’t after watching me fall on my ass (sorry sad tailbone), then you have a shit memory, but whatever.

5:21 Thanks for that reassuring pat on the back, stranger. Like, I actually appreciate that you didn’t pretend you missed seeing the sprawl because you’re right behind me. Real. Honest. I can respect that. But we’re both really gross and sweaty, so could you actually not? Thanks.

5:22 Start out slow and speed up? Mainly upper body? Things I can do. Yes. Will survive. Can continue.

5:23 I hate this song. It’s so over played. And I can’t help singing along, at least in my head…

5:24 …now they always say congratulations…work so hard and now I die at Zumba….

5:26 My dragon is mad. My Wumps are mad. They didn’t sign up for this when they got tattooed on my thigh in January. It was winter and I’d been out of Zumba for like a year, so they thought they’d have this cush, lazy-ass life. Sucks to suck, friends.

5:28 Okay, okay, you survived, it’s time for cool down. Yes, fam, just one more. I am on board.


5:29 Look, lily-white girls like me don’t know how to move like that. And like, I see that you’re just sticking your ass out, but teacher, what do we do if we don’t have an ass to stick out? #firstworldwhitegirlproblems

5:30 I’m just going to revert to “woman who’s still moving in the correct direction but that’s about all we can say for her” and hold on.

5:32 This next song had better be the cool down or I am going to start crying in the middle of this gym and my friend left at 5:15.

5:33 Oh, praise Beelzebub it’s a cool down.

5:34 Okay, I’m all for female empowerment, but it’s not super-believable that we’re beautiful flowers that are also strong when I feel like I just got ripped from the ground, thrown in the street and run over several times. Perhaps also drawn and quartered if I had enough leaves and off-shoot stems.

5:35 I feel so tired but also accomplished. And she really is a good instructor, like, she’s so encouraging, even when you’re screwing everything up.

5:38 I need to make sure to take my workout clothes to work Thursday so I can just leave from there and there’s less concern.


Posted in 29 for 29, Humor, Life Musings

29 of my favorite films and the witticisms I shamelessly stole from them

Anyone who knows my family knows we communicate 10-30% in movie quotes on any given day. Below are the films I’ve stolen some of my most frequently-used quotes from, in absolutely no order because I tried and it was just too hard to self-analyze based on frequency. You’ll all live.

29. Pirates of the Caribbean films

“I love those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass by.”
“But why is the rum gone?”
“Wait for the opportune moment.”
“I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request.”
“I’m dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly, it’s the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they’re going to do something incredibly stupid.”
“They’re more what you’d call guidelines…”
“The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem.”

28. Indiana Jones
“It’s not the years, it’s the mileage.”
“No, the OTHER right, YOUR right.”
“Snakes. Why’d it have to be SNAKES?”

27. Thank You for Smoking
“I’m never wrong.”
“I proved that you’re wrong, and if you’re wrong, then I’m right.”
“Well, that’s one theory.”

26. Breakfast at Tiffany’s
“It’s useful being top banana in the shock department.”
“There are certain shades of limelight that can wreck a girl’s complexion.”
“People don’t belong to people.”
“How do I look?”
“Anyone who ever gave you confidence, you owe them a lot.”
“What do you do, anyway?”

25. Wet Hot American Summer

deadpan: “You guys aren’t supposed to be <out of your bunks>…you’re in trouble…”
“You taste like a burger, I don’t like you anymore.”
“Your craft is a muscle, you have to exercise it.”
“Take a break, think about what you’ve done.”

24. My Big Fat Greek Wedding

“It’s okay, I make lamb.”
“Put some windex on it.”
“There’s a hole in this cake.”
“A boont?”

23. Monty Python and the Holy Grail
“It’s just a flesh wound.”
“What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?”
“Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries.”
“A path, a path!”
“Help! Help! I’m being repressed!”
“HUGE…tracts of land.”
“There are some who call me…Tim?”
“I’m not dead yet!”
“You make me sad.”
“Run awaaaaaayyyy…”

22. Saved!

“It’s all a grey area.”
“If God wanted us all to be the same, why would he make us all so different?”

21. Hercules
“It’s been a real slice.”
“Memo to me, memo to me…”
“He’s a GUY.”
“I’m a big, tough girl. I tie my own sandals and everything.”
“I’m a damsel. I’m in distress. I can handle it. Have a nice day!”

20. Dogma
“The buddy Christ!”
“Genocide’s the most exhausting activity a person can participate in…next to soccer.”
“Well, I say we get drunk, ’cause I’m all out of ideas.”
“It was worth a try.”

19. Sandlot
“Some more of what?”

18. Star Wars trilogy (almost cheating, I know)
“May the force be with you.”
“I love you. /I know.”
“These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.”
“I find your lack of faith disturbing.”
“I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”
“It’s a trap!”
“Never tell me the odds.”

17. Dazed and Confused

“Alright, alright, alright…”
“You know what I like about high school[ers]?”
“All I’m saying is that if I ever start referring to these as the best years of my life – remind me to kill myself.”

16. Out Cold
“Carpe the diem. Seize the…carp.”
“Needed burnin'”
“Well, see ya out there!”
“He…died. In a freak dogsled accident. Yeah, an 8-dogsled pile-up. It’s was horrible. The dogs are okay…”
“Everybody knows, nobody cares.”

15. Orange County
“Money can’t buy happiness!” “Oh grow up, yes it can!”
“Where are your pants, Joe?” “I had to take them off…to run faster through the flames…”
“And she said, I hate my job, I’m gonna burn this mother down! And I said, you better not…you, you better not…”

14. The Princess Bride
“You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”
“Life is pain, anyone who says different is selling something.”
“You’re only saying that because no one ever has.”
“As you wish.”
“Your vote of confidence is overwhelming.”

13. Love Actually
“Just in cases!”
“Life is full of interruptions and complications.”
“FUCK! It’s freezing!”
“Hiya kids, here’s an important message form your Uncle Bill…”
“I don’t want something I need. I want something I want.”
“Do you think everybody knows?”

12. When Harry Met Sally
“I’ll have what she’s having.”
“You’re right, you’re right, I know, you’re right.”
“On the side is a very big thing with you.”
“See, you look normal, but actually you’re the devil.”

11. Blazing Saddles
“‘Scuse me while I whip this out.”
“And isn’t it a love-e-ly mornin?”
“Are we awake?”
“Splendid, splendid.”
“Hello boys, have a good night’s rest? I missed you!”
“Harumph, harumph!”
“Wilkommen, bienvenue, welcome, come on in!”
“Need any help?” “Oh, all I can get.”
“I must, I must!”
“These are people of the land…the common clay…you know, morons.”
“Lily lily lily legs lily lily” (to my dog, don’t worry)

10. Some Like It Hot
“They all just want one thing from a girl.”
“I always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop!”
“Well, nobody’s perfect.”

9. What Happens in Vegas
“You know why.”
“Seriously? I like, threw up in my purse last night.”
“I’m just giving you what you want, baby.”

8. Mean Girls
“Boo, you whore.”
“Please stop talking.”
“You can’t just ask someone why she’s white.”
“I just have a lot of feelings.”
“You can’t sit with us!”
“Why are you so obsessed with me?”

7. America’s Sweethearts
“I’m a paranoid schizophrenic, I am my own entourage.”
“I dream about bread.”
“Ever heard of falling off the wagon? This is what it looks like.”
“Life is a cookie.”
“Kiki! Kikikins!”
“I don’t care.”
“You’re the only one she’ll pretend to listen to.”

6. Little Miss Sunshine
“Losers are people who are so afraid of winning, they don’t even try.”
“When you’re young, you’re crazy to do that shit. I’m old! When you’re old, you’re crazy not to do it.”
“You’re not nearly as stupid as you look.”
“Fuck a lotta women, kid, I have no reason to lie to you. Not just one, a lotta women.”
“High school’s your prime suffering years! You don’t get better suffering than that!”
“You do what you love and fuck the rest.”
“Everybody just pretend to be normal.”

5. The Sweetest Thing

“That is the sweetest thing!”
“You named the puppy.”
“50% of what people say when they’re joking is true.”
“NO. That is NOT okay.”
“Yeah, no, I’m good, never better – never better.”
“You can always just…get divorced!”
“I look beautiful.”

4. 10 Things I Hate About You
“…and hell is just a sauna.”
“Hates you with the first of a thousand suns.”
“So now that you’ve seen *the plan* I’m going to go show…the plan…to someone else.”
“I don’t want to hear that defeatist attitude from you.”
“Are you saying I’m not a pretty guy?”
“The shit hath hiteth the fan-eth.”
“I’m confiscating this. This too.”
“Someday, you’re gonna get bitch slapped and I’m not gonna do a thing to stop it.”
“Don’t let anyone, ever, make you feel like you don’t deserve what you want.”
“I know you can be overwhelmed and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?”
“I want you, I need you, oh baby, oh baby.”
“Just because you’re beautiful doesn’t mean you can treat people like they don’t matter.”

3. Eurotrip
“Seemed easier.”
“I am never drinking again.”
“This is definitely where I parked my car.”
“The girls never came!”
“I’m freakin’ out, man, I’m freakin’ out!
“Here’s a fun fact…”

2. Zoolander
“…it doesn’t mean that we too can’t not die in a freak gasoline fight accident.”
“How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read… if they can’t even fit inside the building?”
“I’m pretty sure there’s a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking.”
“Are you serious? I just told you that a moment ago.”
“I think I’m getting the black lung, pop.”

1. Garden State 
giphy.gif“Don’t tease me about my hobbies. I don’t tease you about being an asshole.”
“If you can’t laugh at yourself, life’s going to seem a whole lot longer than you’d like.”
“Good luck exploring the infinite abyss.”
“So what do we do now?”


Posted in 29 for 29, Humor, Uncategorized

29 videos that make me happy.

This is a day late…but yesterday would have been a day early…February is a little bit crazy, but it still deserves a #29for29 list.

Life is full of ups and downs, twists and turns…and we all have our ways of dealing with them. One of my favorite methods of dealing with the less-than-pleasant world is to watch videos that bring me joy.

Here are my top 29, ordered from amusing to life-bringing. Watch at your leisure.

29. Obama’s like a real person


28. Weekend Update Joke-off (where my fave people on SNL were all together)


27. Pretty much any Scrubs episode prior to season 7. Here are some options for you (and I do the first one, btw).


26. Canadian Tire thingy aka…sappy teacher video


25. Jack Sparrow


24.  Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog (the middle is my favorite part)


23. The adorable laughing penguin.


22. Movie Insults (for when you want to say things you shouldn’t)


21. The end of Crazy Stupid Love


20. Any of Jimmy’s Thank You notes


19. Dick in a Box (an oldie but a goodie)


18. The final Obama Anger Translator (because I can’t anymore)


17. If you’re not a Texas Tech fan, you won’t get this one – if you are, I don’t need to explain. Crappy video quality, sure, but my memory is sharp.


16. The Little Miss Sunshine dance scene


15. Bruce Willis as Rachel’s boyfriend


14. Glove and Boots Hero’s Journey (yes, it’s educational, but I still love it)


13. Drunk History vol. 5 Remember when drunk history was only online? I do. I’m so old.


12. Any Celebrity Jeopardy sketch with “Sean Connery” in it. That 40th anniversary edition is like a high school classroom.


11.Kyle’s Mom (no, I’m not better than this)


10. Beyonce’s dancers


9. Sassy Gay Friend – Giving Tree


8. The Mysterious Ticking Noise


7. Whine about it: Why mornings are the worst


6. America’s Sweethearts buffet monologue – I know this whole thing. Like, memorized.


5. Bonjour, Girl!


4. The convenience store scene. Sorry not sorry. At all.


3. 2015 Madden commercial (I still love it, shamelessly. I still don’t totally know why.)


2. Substitute teacher video pt. 1


1. Substitute teacher video pt. 3 (low quality, I know, sorry, but it’s worth it)

Posted in 29 for 29, Humor, Life Musings

29 Fictional Female BAMFS

Today, my #29for29 list is something that I needed to write…so I could read it and be inspired by it in the coming days.

The start of this school year has been the roughest by far, and I’ve needed the strength of my favorite fictional female BAMFs to get me through. Don’t know what a BAMF is? Check Urban Dictionary and it’ll get resolved pretty quickly.

I’m not about feminist shaming or critiques of “strong, female characters” that you see online – because I think that the best way to encourage women to be strong is to recognize women for who they want to be – feminine, smart, physically strong, emotionally strong, whatever – so long as they’re true to themselves, no matter what anyone thinks.

These women all are, which in my book makes them bamf-tastic.

29. Olivia Benson When my roommate and I weren’t in class or out making new friends our freshman year of college, we were learning how to be strong, independent women via the TV in our dorm room by watching Olivia Benson do her thing.


28. Mrs. Groetke I wish I was as badass as Mrs. Groetke is everyday teaching her students the truth instead of what her bosses or the education agencies tell her to. Preach, fam!


27. Victoria Grant (Victor/Victoria) Victoria Grant is a woman who makes the world that she lives in work for her. Even if that means that she has to pretend to be a man to get what she deserves…and when love comes around? She still refuses to compromise her own success to make her partner comfortable. Bamfed.


26. Jasmine I know this is going to be a controversial pick for a lot of traditional feminists due to the whole outfit and Disney and blah…but let’s be real – Jasmine was pretty badass to keep sneaking out of the palace, have a tiger as a pet, defy expectations, and get on a carpet that appeared to be flying. That all takes some chutzpah. Plus, her sass…


25. Matilda As much as I like the movie, I’m fairly certain that the book Matilda, who teaches herself to survive in a family that neglects and dresses her down for her intelligence on the daily while still holding on to enough strength to rebel at school as well is more impressive.


24.  Lucille Bluth  Half the judging faces and half the threats I make are from this woman. She may be insane, racist, and a raging bitch, but she is unapologetically herself and I love her for it. I have actually said the following line several times.


23. Juno This character does everything to protect her baby’s future and ensure it a good life, and eventually, to do the right thing for her world. She’s not always happy about it, but she does it and handles her life. This is more than I can do on a regular basis.


22. Jessie Alden If you know who this character is, we should be best friends. If not, that’s okay – she’s the oldest sibling in the Boxcar Children series of books, and takes care of all of them at the young age of 12, acting as mother. I wanted to be her as a kid.


21. The women of Firefly Seriously, I love all their personalities. Combined, they represent the most powerful part of women – the power of sexuality, the power of vulnerability and heart, the power of strength and resiliency, and the power of intelligence.


20. Edna Mode I just love her and her sass. So much sass in such a tiny body.


19. Lady Katsa One of my all-time fave YA heroines, who definitely beats any of the other recently popular leading ladies, is this chick. She’s tragically misunderstood, even by herself, which speaks to the strength of her character for forging onward and fulfilling a destiny she doesn’t completely understand.


18. Rome in Magic Mike XXL #lifegoals. That’s all.

17. The Dowager Countess Dame Maggie Smith plays some amazing characters, but the Dowager is one of my favorites. She has a confidence I can only dream of. 


16. Spinelli Spinelli represents the little girl we all have inside ourselves who is proud to be a badass and not worried about what guys – or other girls – think of it. One day I will be her for Halloween and it will be so glorious that I won’t know what to do with myself.


15. Rizzo (Grease) Look, I work in a high school and any student who can flaunt a shimmery pink jacket, drawing more attention to her while everyone’s already buzzing with rumors is essentially #bamfgoals. 


14. Seven of Nine She survived separation from the strongest kind of family, sought out ways to make herself a better person, and wore an outfit that was essentially painted on. Communicator drop.


13. B’Elana Torres As much as I’m impressed by Seven’s character, I’ve always really loved Voyager’s chief engineer best, because she’s a boss in a male-dominated field, snags and tames the ship playboy, and has other struggles I can relate to…and hope I learn to accept as I get older, too.


12. The women of Bones Once again, all of these women are talented and don’t need a man or family to be complete, though they all eventually allow themselves to choose at least one of them to enrich their lives.


11. Pincess Leia I don’t know why some feminists cry foul over the Golden Bikini scene when she was obviously being held against her will there…when not imprisoned, she’s a firecracker rebellion leader who stands up to Han Solo’s good looks until he actually earns her respect.


10. Liz Lemon Liz Lemon is real. Liz Lemon is a hot mess. Liz Lemon is me in a few years, if I’m lucky.


9. Ms. Frizzle Okay, so I may dress like Ms Frizzle, which takes one kind of bravery, but I’m not a scientist, and I’m not magic, and I’ve never flaunted school district rules to endanger my students in the name of learning. Well…at least, not that I’ll admit. So she gets the #BAMFteacher award fo’ sho’.


8. Thursday Next She’s a literary detective in an alternate world where books are so important that forgeries and crimes against literature have their own dedicated task force. That’s amazing enough, but then she manages to go INTO BOOKS to protect literature from its own pages? And she finds time to start a family? The woman can do it all.


7. Holly Golightly She approaches everything with grace and enthusiasm. Which, in consideration of how her life is actually going, takes a lot of strength and bravery to do each day.


6. Elizabeth Bennet It takes a lot of strength to defy male expectations in the age of Pride and Prejudice. It takes even more strength to admit when you’re wrong AND own your weaknesses without losing confidence, which Lizzie does quite well.


5. Kat from 10 Things I Hate About You Yes, I know that Kat Stratford is modeled after a Shakespearean character. No, I don’t want to change my mind and list the original. Why? Because being a feminist with a dedication to rebellion, college dreams, and atoning for your previous bad decisions is a rough path to take, but Kat chose it. And she owned every minute of the screen, even when she realized that maybe the best choice was to drop the hardline and allow herself to be happy.


4. Cat Ballou The star of this 60s Western musical comedy (oh yes) is surrounded by useless men, some who want to help her, some who want to kill her, and others who merely want to oppress her. But, as every woman knows she should, she ultimately eschews “man-splaining” and “man skills” and takes care of business herself.


3. Captain Janeway I would say that I learned probably 75% of how to be a strong, independent woman from Captain Janeway, thanks to my dad’s nerdy guidance in encouraging me to watch the entire series. There were even times as a young child that when people would say “WWJD” as an answer or piece of advice, I would pretend the “J” stood for Janeway. I figured out what to do a helluva lot faster that way – since the Janeway answer is always either drink coffee, say no, or make an intense facial expression to tell the other person how wrong and/or stupid they are.


2. Hermione Hermione is smart, goal-oriented, honest, caring, and above-all loyal. She keeps Harry and Ron in check, refuses to apologize for her dedication to academics, and also values herself enough to not settle for the position of “back up date.” But, more importantly, she punches Malfoy in the face. Fan-bamfing-tastic.


1. Megara It’s no secret that I absolutely love Disney’s oft-neglected heroine, who was (imho) the real star of Hercules, because I believe that it takes a truly strong woman to sacrifice everything for love, get over the betrayal, make compromises to survive, refuse to swoon over the hunk of the week, and then do it all over again when you realize he’s the real thing. Sometimes, the greatest strength is in vulnerability, and Meg proves it.


Image credits: All gifs –; 23 –; 22 –; 21 –; 12 –;
Posted in 29 for 29, Humor, This is real life.

29 things I still don’t get

Helloooo blog fans! Technically, I pre-wrote this entry, considering that I departed for a different hemisphere and continent about 14 days ago. But still – it’s being posted on the 29th, so it counts. And I made it extra-me, just in case my peeps are missing my witticisms in person.

29 Things I Still Don’t Get at 29

29. Eating competitions I’m talking about both can-you-eat-this-giant-steak-in-an-hour competitions with yourself AND who-can-eat-the-most competitions you see at state fairs. Why is this something you even realized you could do? More to the point, why would you want to do it? I mean, either way, you’re going to end up miserable. Either you eat more than everyone else and your body is a wreck for days or you lose and feel bad about yourself for failing. And what about that food? You didn’t even enjoy it, you just shoveled it into your mouth as fast as possible, so what’s the point? If I overeat, I make damn sure it’s something that’s worth the pain.

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28. Android users You guys are kind of like the people who wouldn’t buy into Blu-Ray for a while because you thought HD DVD was going to be the new thing.

27. Polyamorous couples Congrats – you’ve managed to find someone who cares equally little about avoiding STDs and being loyal as you do. But stay the hell away from me, because I’m not even a little interested in being a part of your double-brand of crazy. I can really only deal with single-crazy.

26. Grills As teenagers, you couldn’t wait to get the braces off your teeth, but now you want to put a full metal facade across the front? Nah, I don’t get it.

25. Hot Cheetos & Takis This is similar to #29 – I don’t understand why you would eat something so hot that it burns all of your insides. How is this enjoyable? (I do like the tiny-child rap song about it, though.)

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24. Dave Matthews Band I just cannot. It’s whining set to music. I hear enough non-accompanied whining in my classroom every day.

23. Ice cream Why do people love something that’s so gross and makes my throat itch so much? Ugh.

22. Sascha Baron Cohen’s “humor” In my opinion, he’s not funny, he’s offensive and mean and often disgusting. I’m aware that he makes fun of everyone and that he’s pointing out peoples’ flaws and all, but I’m a larger fan of The Daily Show for that. Their humor is a lot more my speed.

21. Nationalism Do you REALLY think we’re that much better than other countries? I’m not saying we’re the worst, but I’m also not saying we’re better than everyone else. Have you met Americans? We wear Snuggies. You really feel like putting your nose in the air over that?

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20. “Dry Clean Only” clothing One of the first things I look at when I’m deciding whether I should buy an article of clothing or not is how you’re supposed to wash it. If it’s dry clean only, the odds are, I won’t be purchasing it. And if I do buy it because it looks that good…well then, it might as well be labeled “only cleaned once a year.”

19. Birds as pets Birds do not snuggle or cuddle, they do not greet you at the door, and they do not make adorable faces. What they do is smell bad, poop on whatever or whoever happens to be below when they feel the urge, make a lot of noise, and bite you to show affection. No thanks.

18. Uggs I understand that these boots are comfortable, I’ve worn some really, truly ugly shoes before because they were comfy enough that I didn’t care. But Uggs are both hideous and so expensive. If you’re going to wear ugly shoes, at least be able to say that they’re cheap.

17. Game of Thrones I tried, y’all. I really, really did. For like 4 or 5 episodes. But it’s just not appealing to me, and I honestly cannot be bothered to pretend that I like it. I pretended with Lord of the Rings all through high school, and this would be an even bigger waste of my time. I just don’t fit in with the legions of fans, and that’s okay.


16. Heckling comedians and athletes Not only does your heckling probably encourage them more than anything, but did you really pay money to insult someone today? Why? They make so much more money than you do, so just stop. Also, it makes YOU the most hated person within a 15 foot radius. Just shut up.

15. Black Friday shopping The deals aren’t that good and you’ll be out late at night with the worst part of humanity. Stay home and order everything you need off of Prime.

14. Ice skating It’s cold, if you fall, the surface is hard and you’ll probably break something, and you’re balancing on tiny blades. None of this feels like a good idea to me.

13. Hunt-and-peck typing Guys, did you not go through typing class as an elementary school student? Did you just skip straight to Oregon Trail when you got to the computer lab? Too bad for you, because now you’ll never amaze today’s teenagers by typing without looking at the screen. Also, how can you Netflix and work? You’re missing out on a lot of life, and what possible excuse do you have in this day and age?

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12. Straight women who say “I wish I was a lesbian” Yes, because lesbians have it so easy nowadays. Let’s not even touch on the stereotypes, hatred, and inequalities that the LGBTQ community must deal with on a daily basis. Bitches be cray. I can’t even handle relationships where there’s only one crazy bitch (me) in it, so I can’t even imagine a relationship with two.

11. Leggings as pants If they were pants, they would be called “pants.” There’s a reason they aren’t.

10. Dog-haters. You can choose not to like specific dogs. You can choose to prefer cats (if you’re lame). But if you hate all dogs, then you and I are probably not going to get along.


9. Going to GIANT concerts I’ve been to a couple stadium-sized concerts in my day, and I might concede if like, John Lennon came back from the dead or something, but I’ve never been impressed with a concert where there are 200+ people between me and the performer, who’s a tiny little Lego person on the stage. I would hear better and enjoy it more listening at home so why bother? Give me a small venue where I can get close enough that the performer’s sweat mingles with mine and I’m all about it.

8. Coffee I adapted to appreciating beer but not coffee, and I’ve been half-in love with two coffee addicts in my time, so…..I don’t think there’s any hope for me on this one.


7. Standardized testing People do not have a standard setting. College degrees do not have a standard setting. Jobs do not have a standard setting. The future does not have a standard setting. Why do exams that measure how ready students are for life after high school have a standard setting?

6. Phone-talkers I text a lot. And I Skype with people. But I have to make pre-arranged phone dates with people so that I can prepare myself to talk at length on the phone. I am not generally a phone-talker, and I never have been. I’m not at my best on the phone, I’m better in person. My long-distance friends will agree with me – the only time I ever was one was in college, when I talked to my dad on the daily…but even then, our convos were pretty short and I tended to get a little snippy.


5. Burning Bras Look ladies, I know a lot of people who talk about the fact that bras and high heels were invented by men and how we should all just revolt and wear flats while we burn our bras. But I need my bra. It’s supportive, keeps everything where it’s supposed to be, and let’s be honest – it helps the girls be their best selves. Why would I burn such a necessity?!?

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4. S&M I’m not talking about using a fuzzy pair of handcuffs or a fake Indiana Jones whip once in a while, everyone needs to spice things up a little bit now and again. I’m talking about the Red Room of Pain, getting off on hurting someone else or calling your partner “Master” while they beat the crap out of you stuff. I don’t understand that kink that looks to be more widely accepted than I anticipated based on the popularity of Fifty Shades.



3. People who can eat just one Oreo You’re not human, go away. (You too, Trump.)

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2. Morning people It’s bright. My bed is comfy. I was up late last night being my awesome self. So why in the name of Bernie Sanders would I be happy about waking up in the morning and getting stuff done? I wouldn’t.


1. “$1 off” happy hours Your cocktails are $12 each, but you can only give me a $1 discount from 4-6pm? No sir. That’s not even happy hour, it’s like, “slightly less salty to be spending so much money” hour. There’s a reason why school ends at 3:45 and it’s not just the bus schedule. I’ll stick to my $5 cocktails and $2 wells, thanks.

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Posted in 29 for 29, Humor, Life's A Trip.

29 people I would totally marry right now

Last week, I was chit-chatting with a friend of mine about all the weddings I have coming up, including a couple of people who got engaged and are getting married SUPER-fast. I don’t really understand the rush sometimes, buuuuuuuut the more I thought about it, the more people I came up with to marry in an instant if they asked me.

So here you go – here’s a list of 29 people I would marry within the month if they proposed right now. Regardless of feasibility, of course.

29. That one kid from elementary school. You know the one. The one we all had that insane crush on because he was just SO CUTE and SO COOL. I would say yes so fast…even though I totally don’t even remember his name.

28. Dimitri from Anastasia Ya, fake, so I’m safe on this one. But I’m a sucker for a con artist who I can turn into an honest man, and those people don’t exist in real life, so…


27. Neil Gaiman The man has impressive hair and is a literary genius, so sure.

26. Dave Franco He seems like the lesser of the crazies when it comes to the Franco family, and therefore the smart choice. Plus, he’s loyal, or so I hear.


25. Dominic Toretto Vin Diesel as he is isn’t really my taste, but ever since I saw the Fast and the Furious in middle school, there has always been something irresistible about a big, buff, car-driving head of household who protects friends like family. I could totally be a part of that.

24. Flynn Rider He’s like, the realest of all the Disney princes, and he really isn’t into cheesy singing unless the mood strikes him, so he’s making the list of potentials.


23. Brangelina They’re strongest as a unit rather than separate. WE would be even stronger.

22. Chandler Bing How could I not? He’s like my favorite friend, and quite preferable to Matthew Perry himself.


21. Jonathan Taylor Thomas Look, I haven’t seen any recent images of this kid, but growing up, I wasn’t obsessed with Leo, Freddie Prinze Jr., or Ryan Phillippe, I was all about JTT.

20. Joe Biden He’s the most entertaining VP I’ve seen in a while. Plus, have you seen that scarf gif? No? Here you are.


19. Norman Reedus Not because of The Walking Dead. Never because of the Walking Dead. Because of Boondocks Saints. Always.

18. Harrison Ford I know he’s old guys, I do. But if the man who is Indiana Jones AND Han Solo asks me to marry him, I’m doing it.


17. Ferris Bueller I really need someone to help me take a chill pill and be spontaneous once in a while, so he’d be a great fit.

16. The Sauza Tequila commercial guy I don’t know his name, and I don’t want to, because if I do, there’s the danger that I might become a crazy stalked girl. I’ll just watch him on the YouTubes.


15. Aladdin I do like to discover new worlds.

14. Heath Ledger Yeah, I know, another impossibility. But if we’re dreaming, I’m going to go all-in. Especially since…well…a lot of my early dreams involved this guy.


13. Daniel Radcliffe It’s not just that he plays the Boy Who Lived…it’s also that he played one of the most interesting characters I’ve read in adult contemporary fiction, Ig Parrish.

12. Harry Potter The fictional character definitely gets dibs on the spot above his actor. Books are always better than movies. Plus, I’m pretty sure he would let me adopt all the orphans.


11. Will Smith This one’s an impossibility because I am legit terrified of Jada Pinkett Smith. Like…terrified in an I-wish-I-was-half-that-badass way.

10. Zach Braff Teenage-me would have to say yes, no matter what. Despite the fact that it would almost immediately end poorly, it would have to happen. Plus, how adorably awkward would we be together? Who am I kidding, we would totally last.


9. Emma Watson Yes, a girl. In the top ten. I admire her in an I-wish-I-was-that-poised-and-badass-and-gorgeous way, so if she’s down, I’m in, too.


8. Joe Manganiello Thanks, Magic Mike, for helping me understand how sexy water and Cheetos can be.


7. Dule Hill I don’t think that anyone truly appreciates my love for this guy, especially his work on Psych. But believe you me, I’d be all about that, given had the chance.


6. Jon Hamm Don Draper. Mizzou. You need anything more? I don’t.


5. Mookie Betts He’s my Boston player-of-the-year, and he’s only five years younger than me, so I’d have some good years to spend mostly on my own before he retires. That’s important when you barely know someone.


4. James McAvoy Loved him since the original version of State of Play, and that fire has not burned itself out, though it has somewhat lessened since he took roles that require him to shave his head.


3. Joseph Gordon-Levitt For reals, y’all. I have loved him at all my (and his) ages – from Angels in the Outfield to The Dark Knight Rises. That’s some staying power right there.



2. Johnny Depp So wise. So private and mysterious. So talented. So damn hot. So yes.


1. The one person who gets me. Obviously, I haven’t met him yet, but if he’s out there, and he understands my need for alone time, appreciates both Aimee Mann & The Hush Sound, loves my quirkiness, and is totally cool with playing Ke$ha at our wedding, then it’s meant to be.


Posted in Humor, Life Musings, Sunday Serenade

The Great Booty Divide

Yeah, I know, the title……butt I couldn’t help it.

I couldn’t even really help that, either. I’m not making any bad teacher jokes in my classroom, so they’re all just floating around in my normal life now.



ANYway, this post started out as a fledgling piece about how women are reclaiming their “tailfeathers” in popular music right now, and it made some decent points – most of which will still be here. But due to the apparent Twitter craziness that happened last night (see: Buzzed article about Nikki vs TayTay), I decided to change up my focus a little bit.

Ladies: let’s be real with each other for just a minute now. There are two sides to this whole body image issue. I’ve written about it, and I comment on it regularly, but no one ever really cares what I think. Or I don’t know important people. Or both.

Side A: people who are little teensy skinny people, with no booty, or really even curves, to speak of.

Side B: people who have LOTS of curves, including a big, beautiful booty that they can use to dance.

Dancing’s all about butts now! - Imgur

Then, most of the population is either hanging out in the middle or we picked a side, because we don’t fit either category. Like me! I have some curves, but no butt, and I’m definitely not that skinny (Let’s not, people. Let’s not.).

But the ultimate, all-important, almost-biblical truth that you need to know is this: in today’s culture, these two sides are hurting each other (and therefore woman-kind) than any of the horrifying rap music of the 80s-early 2000s ever did.

And that’s pretty bad.


At least the knight o’ booty was pretty much laughing at himself, and so was Sisqo, with another quintessential booty anthem.


There were others who were much worse. Remember this?


Or this?


Maybe this.


Really, anything by the Ying Yang Twins is going to be the worst…for years, the music industry has put female bodies on a pedestal, as the object of the male gaze. And we let them get away with it, for whatever reason (for me, it’s because the lyrics are so damn witty), until very, very recently.

Ladies, I’m here to tell you that we’ve finally started taking a little back. I’ve noticed a new trend in music videos, thanks to my weekly trolling with Sunday Serenades. I think we started seeing it for real somewhere around my freshman year of college (like, 10 years ago – it’s been a slow build). Let’s see if you can catch it from Fergie.


See, she looks like maybe she’s being serious, but I mean…who really rubs their butt like that and means it? No one I know. The whole thing started out very…tongue-in-cheek. Or on cheek. Like, booty cheek. You see, this whole “booty” phase we seem to be going through right now has been bomb-ass for women in music in that it has allowed us to go ahead and claim our booties as ours – whether they’re bubble gum-esque or not.


I’m not sure when it started, but all of a sudden, I’ve started noticing a different expression on the faces of women in music videos. It’s not coy, or shy, or hot, or wanton. It’s that “I can barely contain my laughter because this is fucking ridiculous, but whatevs” face.

Here it is in All About That Bass.


And in Trampoline (bonus – that dude’s face is WAY more “this is freaking ridiculous and I can’t believe I’m involved” than hers, even because guys aren’t subtle ever).


I especially like it when you see them laughing AT the dude in the video, like they do many times in Trumpets.



There was a little “unconscious” laughing in Wiggle, too. Because, I mean, Jason DeRulo definitely deserves to be laughed at, as much as possible.


And then there’s my boy, Redfoo, who always shakes it WITH the girls (even sometimes without them).


And finally, let’s not forget Amy Schumer when she basically just tells it like it is, in the most crass way possible.

Yes, they’re all going along with it. Why? Because they’re getting paid for it. Well, probably. And also because it’s a bit of a laugh, like when white women with no ass hop on stage at piano bars (or, ya know, at the symphony) to dance to Sir Mix-A-Lot.


But what the faces of women in music videos tell me is this: they’re not taking it seriously, and they don’t want you to, either. They want you to laugh with them. Because it’s both real and fake all at once. Isn’t it what we do when we’re dancing to those songs anyway? Laugh about how ridiculous we look? Laugh about how ridiculous it is for men to find it attractive? So do the girls in today’s videos.

So why not laugh along? Why not enjoy our bodies? Why not make it a giant joke that while the guys are sitting back, thinking that they’re the ones in control, we’re actually pulling their puppet strings? I’ve always wanted to be a puppet master, after all. You may blame Julie Andrews for that one.


(Yes, this post even has goat booty-shaking.)

I wish we could laugh along and flaunt whatever it is that we’ve got – but for some reason, this whole “booty” thing has turned into a rather divisive issue for women. Instead of being happy for the ladies with booties, many women deride them and call them trashy for putting it all out there.

A booty is sometimes just out there without permission, yo!

And then, booty-blessed women feel like they have to defend their own actions, like taking pride in what they’ve got is such a crime. So you know that soon, they’re going to go on the offensive, because damn it, if someone makes them feel bad, they’re going to make someone else feel bad, too!





Take it from someone who, as I mentioned before, is NOT a stick. Has never been a stick, and who ALSO does not, nor has she ever, had a booty. I love that you’re using what you’ve got! I’m super-jealous of ALL of you! So what’s the deal here?


It is possible, despite Amy Schumer’s skit to the contrary, to take pride in our own bodies and accept both our flaws and our gifts without needing to tear each other down. Just because one person is doing amazing things doesn’t make us any smaller. We have to stop letting what other people say become a part of how we define ourselves.


See? Nikki knows! C’mon girl, take your own advice! If you can accept that what others think of you *ahem* VMAs bitches *ahem* doesn’t matter and bask in the love of your fans, then you won’t be a part of what’s pitting us against each other! But Taylor needs to listen to her own words, too…


…as well as remember that just because you fought hard to get where you are does not belittle the struggles of other people to get where they are.

Like, for real girls, you’re bumming me out. Don’t trash each other – just be proud of each others’ successes and acknowledge each others’ struggles. Then maybe instead of having social media arguments, they could get together to create a little mash-up magic between the two camps?


The world needs this to be real.