Helloooo blog fans! Technically, I pre-wrote this entry, considering that I departed for a different hemisphere and continent about 14 days ago. But still – it’s being posted on the 29th, so it counts. And I made it extra-me, just in case my peeps are missing my witticisms in person.
29 Things I Still Don’t Get at 29
29. Eating competitions I’m talking about both can-you-eat-this-giant-steak-in-an-hour competitions with yourself AND who-can-eat-the-most competitions you see at state fairs. Why is this something you even realized you could do? More to the point, why would you want to do it? I mean, either way, you’re going to end up miserable. Either you eat more than everyone else and your body is a wreck for days or you lose and feel bad about yourself for failing. And what about that food? You didn’t even enjoy it, you just shoveled it into your mouth as fast as possible, so what’s the point? If I overeat, I make damn sure it’s something that’s worth the pain.
28. Android users You guys are kind of like the people who wouldn’t buy into Blu-Ray for a while because you thought HD DVD was going to be the new thing.
27. Polyamorous couples Congrats – you’ve managed to find someone who cares equally little about avoiding STDs and being loyal as you do. But stay the hell away from me, because I’m not even a little interested in being a part of your double-brand of crazy. I can really only deal with single-crazy.
26. Grills As teenagers, you couldn’t wait to get the braces off your teeth, but now you want to put a full metal facade across the front? Nah, I don’t get it.
25. Hot Cheetos & Takis This is similar to #29 – I don’t understand why you would eat something so hot that it burns all of your insides. How is this enjoyable? (I do like the tiny-child rap song about it, though.)
24. Dave Matthews Band I just cannot. It’s whining set to music. I hear enough non-accompanied whining in my classroom every day.
23. Ice cream Why do people love something that’s so gross and makes my throat itch so much? Ugh.
22. Sascha Baron Cohen’s “humor” In my opinion, he’s not funny, he’s offensive and mean and often disgusting. I’m aware that he makes fun of everyone and that he’s pointing out peoples’ flaws and all, but I’m a larger fan of The Daily Show for that. Their humor is a lot more my speed.
21. Nationalism Do you REALLY think we’re that much better than other countries? I’m not saying we’re the worst, but I’m also not saying we’re better than everyone else. Have you met Americans? We wear Snuggies. You really feel like putting your nose in the air over that?
20. “Dry Clean Only” clothing One of the first things I look at when I’m deciding whether I should buy an article of clothing or not is how you’re supposed to wash it. If it’s dry clean only, the odds are, I won’t be purchasing it. And if I do buy it because it looks that good…well then, it might as well be labeled “only cleaned once a year.”
19. Birds as pets Birds do not snuggle or cuddle, they do not greet you at the door, and they do not make adorable faces. What they do is smell bad, poop on whatever or whoever happens to be below when they feel the urge, make a lot of noise, and bite you to show affection. No thanks.
18. Uggs I understand that these boots are comfortable, I’ve worn some really, truly ugly shoes before because they were comfy enough that I didn’t care. But Uggs are both hideous and so expensive. If you’re going to wear ugly shoes, at least be able to say that they’re cheap.
17. Game of Thrones I tried, y’all. I really, really did. For like 4 or 5 episodes. But it’s just not appealing to me, and I honestly cannot be bothered to pretend that I like it. I pretended with Lord of the Rings all through high school, and this would be an even bigger waste of my time. I just don’t fit in with the legions of fans, and that’s okay.
16. Heckling comedians and athletes Not only does your heckling probably encourage them more than anything, but did you really pay money to insult someone today? Why? They make so much more money than you do, so just stop. Also, it makes YOU the most hated person within a 15 foot radius. Just shut up.
15. Black Friday shopping The deals aren’t that good and you’ll be out late at night with the worst part of humanity. Stay home and order everything you need off of Prime.
14. Ice skating It’s cold, if you fall, the surface is hard and you’ll probably break something, and you’re balancing on tiny blades. None of this feels like a good idea to me.
13. Hunt-and-peck typing Guys, did you not go through typing class as an elementary school student? Did you just skip straight to Oregon Trail when you got to the computer lab? Too bad for you, because now you’ll never amaze today’s teenagers by typing without looking at the screen. Also, how can you Netflix and work? You’re missing out on a lot of life, and what possible excuse do you have in this day and age?
12. Straight women who say “I wish I was a lesbian” Yes, because lesbians have it so easy nowadays. Let’s not even touch on the stereotypes, hatred, and inequalities that the LGBTQ community must deal with on a daily basis. Bitches be cray. I can’t even handle relationships where there’s only one crazy bitch (me) in it, so I can’t even imagine a relationship with two.
11. Leggings as pants If they were pants, they would be called “pants.” There’s a reason they aren’t.
10. Dog-haters. You can choose not to like specific dogs. You can choose to prefer cats (if you’re lame). But if you hate all dogs, then you and I are probably not going to get along.
9. Going to GIANT concerts I’ve been to a couple stadium-sized concerts in my day, and I might concede if like, John Lennon came back from the dead or something, but I’ve never been impressed with a concert where there are 200+ people between me and the performer, who’s a tiny little Lego person on the stage. I would hear better and enjoy it more listening at home so why bother? Give me a small venue where I can get close enough that the performer’s sweat mingles with mine and I’m all about it.
8. Coffee I adapted to appreciating beer but not coffee, and I’ve been half-in love with two coffee addicts in my time, so…..I don’t think there’s any hope for me on this one.
7. Standardized testing People do not have a standard setting. College degrees do not have a standard setting. Jobs do not have a standard setting. The future does not have a standard setting. Why do exams that measure how ready students are for life after high school have a standard setting?
6. Phone-talkers I text a lot. And I Skype with people. But I have to make pre-arranged phone dates with people so that I can prepare myself to talk at length on the phone. I am not generally a phone-talker, and I never have been. I’m not at my best on the phone, I’m better in person. My long-distance friends will agree with me – the only time I ever was one was in college, when I talked to my dad on the daily…but even then, our convos were pretty short and I tended to get a little snippy.
5. Burning Bras Look ladies, I know a lot of people who talk about the fact that bras and high heels were invented by men and how we should all just revolt and wear flats while we burn our bras. But I need my bra. It’s supportive, keeps everything where it’s supposed to be, and let’s be honest – it helps the girls be their best selves. Why would I burn such a necessity?!?
4. S&M I’m not talking about using a fuzzy pair of handcuffs or a fake Indiana Jones whip once in a while, everyone needs to spice things up a little bit now and again. I’m talking about the Red Room of Pain, getting off on hurting someone else or calling your partner “Master” while they beat the crap out of you stuff. I don’t understand that kink that looks to be more widely accepted than I anticipated based on the popularity of Fifty Shades.
3. People who can eat just one Oreo You’re not human, go away. (You too, Trump.)
2. Morning people It’s bright. My bed is comfy. I was up late last night being my awesome self. So why in the name of Bernie Sanders would I be happy about waking up in the morning and getting stuff done? I wouldn’t.
1. “$1 off” happy hours Your cocktails are $12 each, but you can only give me a $1 discount from 4-6pm? No sir. That’s not even happy hour, it’s like, “slightly less salty to be spending so much money” hour. There’s a reason why school ends at 3:45 and it’s not just the bus schedule. I’ll stick to my $5 cocktails and $2 wells, thanks.