Okay, so I avoided posting Anaconda because, you know, someone’s kids might stumble on this blog. Even though it’s all over the internets, I was concerned about my teensy little blog.

But now, I feel compelled to make my lazy grad-school stolen postings up to you with a truly in-depth analysis of Nikki’s controversial tune to J Lo’s newest one, category by category.

Here we go: fair warning, I have zero patience for making gifs, so they’re less than pristine. #aintnobodygottimeforperfect

Witty lyrics

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There’s really no competition here, so I won’t even discuss.

Nikki: 1    J Lo: 0

Girl-on-girl booty “appreciation”

Nikki’s

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J Lo’s

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Let’s just stop and say that while Nikki’s little booty taps may be entertaining, I’m believing Iggy and J Lo’s booty-slap more.

Nikki: 0    J Lo: 1

Booty Quality and Flaunting

Nikki

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J Lo

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There’s a booty for everyone in Nikki’s video, guys. Plenty to go around, and if you think I’m choosing quantity over quality, I actually think that each of the booths compared to J Lo/Iggy is marginally better as well, whether it’s a matter of how they show it off or its actual, you know, substance.

Nikki: 1    J Lo: 0

Best random product placement

Beats

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Eos lip balm

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I’m not sure if either really got cash money for that product placement, but I’m willing to bet that Nikki gets more street cred for hers (not that she needs it), so she wins this round.

Nikki: 1    J Lo: 0

Special guest

Extra Nikkis and a Drake

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Iggy Azalea

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Considering that it actually makes sense for Iggy A to be in J Lo’s music video because she contributes, she’s the clear winner here. But don’t worry, Drake will get his credit where it’s due.

Nikki: 0    J Lo: 1

Most awkward and unnecessary moment

That one blue part at the end.

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So, smoking is cool again?

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I don’t really understand what J Lo was trying to accomplish by holding that cigarette at the end, but it didn’t work. Instead, it just made me feel strange. Although not as weird as I felt peeping in on what seemed to be a private lap dance between two consenting adults. Nikki and Drake “win” this round.

Nikki: 1    J Lo: 0

General steaminess

Nikki

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J Lo

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J Lo clearly has the upper hand here, and I think Nikki’s okay with that. I mean, yeah that swamp part is alright, but there’s no way those few seconds can compete with, like, the entire ‘Booty’ video.

Nikki: 0    J Lo: 1

Old 90s nostalgia:

Sir Mix-a-lot’s ‘Baby Got Back’ sampling.

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J Lo’s curves

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I can’t pick, it has to be a tie. I love love love Sir Mix-A-Lot, but I also love the fact that J Lo’s bod is still in amazing shape. Impressive, lady. Definitely impressive.

Nikki: 1           J Lo:  1

Actual booty choreography

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Nikki, CLEARLY. The girl knows what to do with her ass, fancy camera work or no. Not that J Lo doesn’t…but classy doesn’t always win out, especially when it comes to me. And the rest of the American public.

Nikki: 1    J Lo: 0

….and the winner is….

Nikki!

Obviously. The song is so amazing that J Lo couldn’t hope to compete.

Sorry, J Ho…

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About Imagine Truth

We seek to learn, and when academics do not present the answers, we look inside our own beautiful imaginations for the key.

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