I’ve been watching a lot of Netflix lately.
Like…a lot. Plus, I’ve been making my way through my DVD collection as well, mostly under the guise of finding deep/meaningful/full of crap movie quotes to go along with my first day of school lesson plan.
During all of this binge-watching, I started to notice something. As I watched plot line after tired but-still-loved romantic comedy plot line, I found myself thinking, “That’s so me!” quite a bit when the female supporting roles came on the screen. At first, I was concerned that this reoccurrence of phrase meant that someone was spiking my Diet Caffeine-free Dr. Peppers, as I’m prone to say “I LOVE THIS SONG!” repeatedly at Barcadia.
But then, my brain actually caught up (it’s out of shape from the summer, y’all). And I realized that not only was my drink of choice not spiked…with anything at all…but that my thoughts were pretty legit. Because apparently, I’m the ultimate female sidekick for any film or just for life in general.
Instead of using my words, I’m going to use memes. A ton of them.
Exhibit A: Like any good sidekick, I’m kind of a bitch.
Exhibit B: Which comes in handy when I need to stand up for my BFF, because of a chick…
…or because of a dude.
Exhibit C: It’s pretty easy for me, because I generally don’t care about others judging me.
Exhibit D: And I always know exactly how to get a guy to leave us the hell alone.
Exhibit E: The good news is, if I can make it through the crazy, part of being a romcom sidekick is that you spend a lot of time boozing and dancing and chatting up strangers.
Exhibit F: Sometimes I’m like, super-smooth when I flirt because I understand all the unwritten rules of the situation.
Exhibit G: But most of the time, I’m just ridiculously awkward and/or lame.
Exhibit H: Plus, I have really high expectations of every man I date.
Exhibit I: And my relationships definitely aren’t long-term in any sense of the word.
Exhibit J: Basically, I’m perpetually on my own.
Exhibit K: Unfortunately, despite the evidence to the contrary, I like to think that I’m pretty level-headed about relationships and dating. So you should always do as I say, not as I do.
Exhibit L: Seriously: never as I do.
DOUBLE BONUS (it’s extra AND you get cool points if you totally understand)
Exhibit M: Still, I have plenty of wisdom from my failed romantic exploits to share with the world.
Exhibit N: And when it comes down to it, I would do anything for my girls, from attending work-related functions…
Exhibit O: …to attending destination weddings where I inexplicably burst into song…
Exhibit P: …to attending a wedding that you’re totally not invited to but really need to crash…on laundry day…
Exhibit Q: …or maybe even a wedding that they really and truly wish they didn’t have to attend…
Exhibit R: Basically, I’m down for weddings, although I can’t always hide my true feelings about the obligations that stem from said weddings.
Exhibit S: But hey, I’ll be there! It’s important to support your friends.
Especially to their faces.
Exhibit T: And even more especially when what they really need is for you to drop some serious truth on them.
Exhibit U: Usually those truth bombs end up being pretty effing hilarious because I’m witty and sarcastic and you love it.
Exhibit V: At least my friends know that I’ll always give them the bad advice if it’s the advice they need.
Exhibit W: Sometimes, I have to ask the hard questions, even if it’s not “comfortable” for everyone.
Exhibit X: I can totally get an answer to pretty much any awkward question, because I’m speaking their language. Or I make up my own.
Exhibit Y: Ultimately, my friends totally value having me in their circle, because when I know them and I know what they need to hear, even if they don’t want to hear it.
Exhibit Z: Also: I’m classy.
I am pretty proud of myself for getting all the way through the alphabet on this one!
Clearly, I am the queen of all the romcom-chickflick sidekicks. Girl ones, at least. I should go on Etsy. Do they have a category for that? I’m too classy for Craigslist.
New to-do list item: research non-hooker way to sell yourself.