Listen, friendlies, if you haven’t figured this out yet, I have very little will power.
Like, so little it’s not even funny.
And yes, I know a lot of people who know me IRL will protest, “but you look so good now!”
True. But that whole issue had very little to do with will power and a whole lot to do with a) not knowing anything about my body or nutrition and b) using food as a coping strategy. I could fix that.
So yes, it takes some will power to not eat a whole pan of brownies. But luckily, it’s mostly about not buying the brownie mix at the store, because I’m so lazy that if all I have is bananas at home, that’s what I’ll eat, even if I really, REALLY want cheesecake.
Others of you may say, “but you’re a teacher, and you have great classroom control, so clearly you have firm, consistent rules!”
Yes. This is also true. But that’s not thanks to will power. That’s thanks to my remarkable ability to hold a grudge and my remarkable inability to forgive and forget. Those little you-know-whats are going to have a consequence if they’re bad enough to earn one from ME. Because I’m kind of…not into punishment.
The truth is, I have a lot of tricks and strategies that, when seen at a distance, appear to be strong will power. You’ve been fooled, though, because I’m such a fucking pushover when righteous anger isn’t involved. I mean, I’ll spend money when I don’t have money to spend, I’ll go out with my friends when what I really, truly want is to snuggle on the couch with my puppies and Netflix, and I’ll even give kids a sticker for no reason other than a killer pair of puppy eyes.
Okay, so you’re still not convinced?
Don’t worry, I’ve got proof. Evidence of the impact that my lack of will has on my bank account.
In the past month, when I was planning on saving about $500 extra dollars for my “remodel my teensy bathroom into a glamorous, Breakfast at Tiffany’s-themed powder room and separate wet room complete with a chandelier and claw-foot tub” project, here’s where most of that money went instead:
First, I caved and bought the ridiculous repurposed doll house that I’ve wanted for a while…
Yes, it’s a dollhouse full of wine. A winehouse, if you will. I call her Amy.
Seriously, this is how I refer to her, both in my head and to others. I have no sense of decency, either, but that’s a totally different blog post.
I also decided to purchase approximately $60 worth of tulle to decorate the ceiling of my guest room in this fanciful, twinkle-lighted masterpiece. So awesome, right? Want to see it?
Yeah. Hanging out on the guest bed. Clearly, I could have waited to buy all this because I totally don’t have time to put it up yet. But no – I had to buy it NOW. Because it’s pretty.
Then, just as I was thinking that I could make it to the end of the month with like $300ish for savings, my trusty 8 year-old computer speakers that got me through college and the first few years of teaching decided they weren’t going to make it anywhere near 9 and crapped out on me.
A better person may have decided that it was okay, they’d move the cheap ones from the beer garden inside and deal with it for a while.
I did not.
Instead, I spent about a day telling myself to do research, 2 hours actually reading reviews, and paid more than I wanted to for these badass speakers.
I told my dad I was buying these speakers the exact same night that I asked him to see what his company discount on a Canon Rebel was…actually, I may have shared these two pieces of info in the exact same breath.
I have a problem.
Seriously. I mean, as we speak (or type), I’m Googling/Pinteresting “fill-in-the-old-school-video-game-character costumes” for the yearbook that I’m going to inevitably buy and later keep. And wear. On random Thursdays.
So don’t think that I’m a strong-willed person, I’m not. I’m just a pro at misdirection. Which is why my bank account judged me when I only transferred a fraction of what I originally intended into the savings account today.
But look at all the cool stuff I have!