Posted in Humor, This is real life.

Don’t Put Wallpaper on a Textured Wall.

Seriously. Don’t do it.

I speak from experience here, folks.

Not that I would ever do that myself, mind you, just that I have suffered the dire consequences of such a mistake and wish to never, EVER see anyone go through this torture again. Particularly if that person is me.

You see, when I bought my house at the end of last summer, the nice previous owners of the house said, “We’re so glad that you want the house! If you hadn’t wanted the house, we were going to adopt you, we like you that much!”

And, trusting fool that I am, I believed them. This was before I realized that the old-person friendly fake window in the dining nook was wallpaper glued onto a textured wall. It was also before I knew what removing wallpaper from a textured wall entailed.

Obviously, they secretly hated anyone who was going to buy this house from them and thought I deserved punishment. You can see it in this picture from when the house was for sale. I never photographed it myself post-purchase.


Many people will bemoan purchasing a house with some sort of effed-up mural painted on the dining room wall. I understand that. No one wants to stare at shepherds guarding their flocks while enjoying gyros.

I get it. That’s just wrong. Like, Animal Farm wrong.

But painting over a mural? That’s an easy, simple fix. A gallon of Killz and your neon color of choice and it’s like you’re in the Mediterranean yourself. Feel free to get some grape vines, or at the very least a large collection of wine. Just…you know…don’t watch Mama Mia! too many times. You only have so many braincells to spare.

But seriously, you guys. If you want to spice up a textured wall, be smart about it.

Don’t cut corners and just slap a cover-up on top of that burn mark from the souffle torch because it’s faster. That’s a quick fix, and frankly, the job of our government. I mean, they’re good at so little, don’t take that away from them. If you do, they’ll just decide to redesign standardized testing again, and I’ll cry.

Back to the topic at hand…

I’ve added up the time that I’ve spent picking tiny bits and pieces of clue/paper off of the texture (and yes, often the texture comes with it despite my trying every trick on Pinterest) on this roughly 2′ x 3′ patch of wall…and it’s somewhere in the neighborhood or 8 hours.

EIGHT HOURS, people.

I painted half my kitchen a couple of weeks ago because I was moving furniture anyway, but I can’t finish until I get all of this damn wallpaper off my wall. And the green looks so much better! The stuff has pretty much forced my hand and I’ll be spending the evening finishing this arduous task so that I can finish at least the first coat before hosting Mother’s Day brunch next Sunday, but I am not happy about it.

So, yes. This is an entire blog purely begging you not to ever make this mistake. There’s no deeper meaning here.

Unless you plan on hatefully demolishing the house after you move out – then you can do whatever the hell you want. Have at it. But if you plan to leave your structure standing, do everyone a favor and please: don’t put wallpaper on a textured wall. 

K thx.



We seek to learn, and when academics do not present the answers, we look inside our own beautiful imaginations for the key.

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