Posted in DIY, This is real life.

Let’s Play Kitchen.

I will never, ever be a food blogger.

There are a number of reasons for this, including the fact that I forget to take photos at each stage…but it’s mostly due to the fact that I’m just not that into cooking.

I mean, I’m all about enjoying your food and eating healthy, and all that stuff people spout off, but I’m too effing busy. I mean, really. It’s middle school football season, which means two nights of games a week, plus the fact that I’ve lived in my house for a MONTH and still have boxes sitting in the living room and an unfinished paint job in my bedroom. And let’s not forget everything else I do to keep myself busy. And my social life.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m not very good at juggling. So cooking isn’t something that I can be bothered with most of the time. This would come as a surprise to people who babysat me as a small child, because I have fond memories of playing kitchen somewhere in the preschool years. And tea. I loved playing tea party.

So it’s no big surprise that when I found myself with a mostly empty day a couple of weeks ago, I decided to actually undertake some of the recipes I’ve pinned to my “Delish” board over the past few months. That’s right, friends – I cooked more than one thing.

Shock and awe are appropriate. A small amount of disbelief, even. That’s alright. I anticipated your suspicion and have photographic evidence, along with helpful tips to deal out. Even if it took a while to remember to share my findings…

RECIPE #1: Cauliflower Pizza

I’ve been down to try this recipe for a while now, especially now that I’m not supposed to be eating carbs so much…or at all…and so it was a no-brainer to try it.

But then I read the directions, and I thought “Is it really worth the effort?” I decided ‘why the hell not,’ and below is the result.

Step 1. Gather all the ingredients.

Cauliflower, shredded mozzarella, an egg (I used egg beaters), dried oregano (which I replaced with Italian Seasoning), crushed garlic, pizza sauce, toppings, and garlic salt.

Step 2. “Rice” the cauliflower

This step is a bitch if you don’t have a food processor. Apparently, if you DO have this kitchen appliance, you can simply chop the florets on a head of cauliflower into chunks and stick it in the processor on pulse until it looks like grain. Of course, I don’t have one of these. So what did I have to do?

I had to hand-grate the entire thing. This ended in me giving up after I got about 3 cups of freshly riced cauliflower (which is what you’ll need to get a single cup of cooked, riced cauliflower. Wasteful? Yes. But I was okay with that at the end point.

Step 3. Cook the cauliflower.

Stick your three cups of riced cauliflower in a microwave-safe bowl and heat it (no extra water needed) for about 7-8 minutes. Keep a close eye, though, I burned a little of mine because it cooked for too long.

Step 4. Make the crust.

Take your freshly cooked cauliflower and toss it in the bowl with your one egg (or 1/4 c egg beaters), 1 cup mozzarella, 1 tsp Italian spices, 1/2 tsp crushed garlic, and 1/2 tsp garlic salt. Stir together.

Step 5. Bake the crust (and prep your toppings). 

Spray a cookie sheet with non-stick spray (be smarter than me and DO NOT SKIP THIS STEP), or use a baking stone. Preheat the oven to 450 degrees. Spread cauliflower and cheese mixture evenly in a rectangle or circle design and pop it on in the oven for 15 minutes.

While in the oven, I went ahead and washed my veggies for the toppings, drying my spinach leaves between paper towels. I also sauteed the mushrooms in a pan after I sliced them.

Step 6. Decorate your pie.

Your crust is hot and delicious. But it will be better with pizza sauce, mozzarella cheese, and yummy veggies on top. So go ahead and slather some of the sauce on, arrange your prepped toppings, and sprinkle a generous helping of mozzarella before sticking it back in the oven to melt and brown. This should take about 3-4 minutes, and when it’s done, it will look something like this:

Now, if you did what I told you to do and sprayed your cookie sheet down, you should have no problem scraping your pizza up off the pan, instead of having to scrape it off with a fork one half at a time. Maybe one day I’ll make it again and do it right…

RECIPE #2: Pumpkin Cake

As you may have noticed from my marginal disregard of the exact instructions for the cauliflower pizza, I tend to have a problem with making things exactly as the directions say. It’s like a tick I have or something.

So when I got to this recipe, after eating my delicious veggie pizza, I decided, and I quote, “Fuck the muffins. I want to make bread.”

Dorrie and Skeeter were on board, especially since the muffin pan makes way more scary noise to extract from the cabinet than my mini-loaf pans do. And besides, I do what I want.

Now, Pinterest told me that I could simply mix one can of pumpkin in to a box of yellow cake and that would be it. It sounded awesomely lazy yet scrumptious, so I went with its wisdom.

Here it is pre-mixing:

Then mid-mixing, about when my arm got tired (there’s still a lot of cake mix buried under the orange pumpkiny mixture):

And finally, it’s in its little tins.

Now, the problem that arose, because I was being a rebel and decidedly NOT making muffins, was that I wasn’t sure how long to bake these guys. But that’s what a cake-tester is for. Basically, I ended up baking them for 35 minutes, give or take a couple.

Of course, I’m not a food blogger, so I forgot to take a picture of the end result. Awesome.

And I just HAD to try one before I handed over the others to Mr. Harold for Custodian Appreciation Day. Otherwise…well…I’d hate to poison him. That’s not very appreciative.

RECIPE #3: Avocado Lime Chicken Salad

This one is my favorite of all of them, for two reasons: there was no way I could burn myself and I love chicken salad.

No, really. I do. But I don’t so much love mayonnaise. Over the years, I’ve done different mustard salads, fairly dry mayo-based salads, and even some vinaigrette salads. The only one that I stick to with any regularity is my fat-free mayo with curry and grapes version. But curry doesn’t so much make friends in Texas, sadly.

So this new recipe, both mayo- and curry-free, excited me with its promise.

This, my friends, is the problem I have. I was making this delish recipe (which, by the way, can be found here) and I totally forgot to take photos until I was almost done. Done eating, mind you, not making.

It was a huge hit with the ‘rents, especially with a fruit salad and some sweet crisps plus amazing baguette bread to eat it on. THOSE I didn’t make…full disclosure.

Nom nom nom nom nom.

So we see why I can’t be a food blogger. I have good intentions, but I just can’t quite keep it together enough. Hopefully this has inspired all my friends who aren’t chefs themselves to give it a try, and document their misadventures.



We seek to learn, and when academics do not present the answers, we look inside our own beautiful imaginations for the key.

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