Posted in Humor, This is real life.

Have You Seen This Frenchman?

I don’t have many regrets.

In fact, I can count the number of regrets in my life on one hand.

This is due in part to the fact that I don’t consider a lot of my more foolish decisions to be regrets – I knew that they would be a bad decision, and I made them anyhow.

It’s also due to my considering all of my experiences to be character building. Sure, some of them were painful, but they all add up to make me the person who I am today. And all of that mess.

However, I do have just a few.

And one of them is this guy:

Allow me to paint you a word picture.

Back in the day, approximately one week after my 21st birthday, I had returned from both Vegas and Dallas and was sitting atop the now-defuct Forge & Vine patio in Columbia, Missouri with two of my fabulous friends. If you’ve ever seen a photo of me posing with a totem pole-looking bear carved out of wood – SUPER-EXCITED – it’s from this night.

Anyway, we’re on the rooftop patio, and I’m drinking some over-priced, fruity martini while Caitlin and Petzel are tolerating my lightweight-ed drunken state. And I suddenly decide that it’s quite important to tell them about my SkyMall dream purchase. All I remember saying, over and over again, was this:

“NO. He’s the french wine pants man. And you put the wine in his pants!”

They thought I was waaaaay drunker than I was. NEITHER of them believed that he actually existed, and I got louder and louder as I insisted that he did.

Okay, yeah, I was totally trashed. After two drinks. I was 21.

But that wine rack was real and I really, really did want this awesome wine rack. And I told myself that I was too mature for something like that, but I secretly wanted it so, so bad.

Eventually, the french wine pants man became a story that we could retell over and over again to illustrate how poorly I held my liquor. Thankfully, on the next flight my friends took, they too noticed the enlightened stance of this fine beret-wearing gentleman.

Sadly, by the time that I rented a home large enough to house my fine wiry friend, the fine people at SkyMall stopped selling Pierre. Hence why he’s one of my few, few regrets. If only I had purchased him when I had the chance!

So, if you see my dear, dear Pierre (think of me saying that in Lina Lamont’s voice) for sale anywhere…even if you feel that he’s quite expensive, let me know.

They won’t put his picture on a milk carton, I already tried. But perhaps the magic of the interweb will bring him back to me.



We seek to learn, and when academics do not present the answers, we look inside our own beautiful imaginations for the key.

16 thoughts on “Have You Seen This Frenchman?

  1. Sounds awesome! I’ve already spent 15 minutes googling it, to no avail. I love a good Internet scavenger hunt . . .

  2. I love your story soooo much!!! I can’t tell you how much I can relate. I too saw Pierre on skymall and everytime thereafter that I took a flight, i would search for him in the catalogue….. to secretly admire his coolness:) I longed for him for years but never quite had the nerve to actually buy him. Then out of the blue, my boyfriend who I had once let in on my dirty little secret, surprised me one Christamas…. That December I had also moved into a new apartment and with me I brought a life size santa which my mother had made me and this funny life size tin knight which I bought for her one year as a joke and she no longer wanted cluttering her house. So, soon thereafter I excitedly added Pierre to the collection and there I would sit alone in my apartment with all of my life size friends. Anyhow, now, more than a decade later – my love affair with Pierre is less than my love affair with skipping the country with only a backpack of things. So, Pierre has come out of storage and has got to go. I was looking online to see if he was sold anywhere and stumbled upon your story. Still interested?!!!

  3. I have one I’m selling. Breaks my heart to turn it over, but my home doesn’t have the space and I now have small children…who like to pull the wine off the rack.

    1. Anyone still interested in selling henri? I’m in search of one for our new house and should have bought him years ago :/

  4. I have one and the little guy that hold 1 wine bottle that goes with him. I’m in the DFW area. I found your post because I am looking to sell my set. I bought mine years ago at a designer furniture store in Dallas. You can email me at

  5. I always wanted this wine guy too. I looked for 10 years with no luck. Finally I stumbled upon one and purchased him but unfortunately it happened to be during a terrible time of my life. But I knew, no matter what, I wasn’t passing up the opportunity of a lifetime to own this Frenchman.
    Low and behold, financial times have only gotten worse for me and I haven’t had the chance to fill his legs with wine and can’t see things getting any better in the near future.

    So, as much as it pains me to let him go after wanting one for so many years, I have no choice. I have already sold so many things this past couple months and it’s finally time I let him go too. I hate letting go of things I love but as the saying goes “if you love something, let it go, and if it was meant to be, it will find it’s way back to you”.
    Obviously, I know this will never happen, but at least selling “Pierre” will help fund this Christmas 2015.

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