Posted in Deep deepness, Life Musings

Beautiful Uncertainty

A very confused girl is typing this blog right now.

Because, you see, I loved my trip to New York. It’s an amazing city.

Of course, more than the city, I loved the people I spent time with there.

Including myself.

I loved who I was there. Not that I’m not myself at home…I am. I’m never not myself. I used to believe I wasn’t always the same person…I even blogged about it multiple times on multiple platforms.  Over the years, I’ve felt like I’ve lost myself time and time again, which begs the question: which ‘me’ did I lose?

Now I realize that I’m still the same girl. I change, yes, but I’m simply becoming more me.

So when I say that I liked spending time with myself, I don’t mean that I only exist in certain cities. The difference is that I don’t always love the person I am. It’s not always effortless to be her/me. I’m a crazy-pants about a lot of things, and this often causes small amounts of first-world strife.

Like when my whole being is in limbo because of a combination of events that I was not expecting at all. I don’t do well with this, and less than 5 hours after returning home from NYC, the floodgates of change opened and I started treading water like mad just to stay afloat.

Just when I think I’ve gotten my feet under me, and I have a plan, the Fates get bored and decide to mess with my life.

You see, I knew I didn’t have it all figured out…but I had part of it, and then circumstances changed, as they often do. And what am I left with?


I don’t do well with uncertainty. Some people do – they’re people who take uncertainty and run with it. They see it as opportunity to do what they want to do. I once wished that I could be those people…I was envious of their lifestyle and felt like a total laissez-faire fake watching these punks roll with the changes. Unfortunately, in order to do be like them, I would have to know what I want.

And I never do. I’m about as indecisive as you can get in most situations. Just ask anyone who has asked me what I want on my pizza. I know what I don’t want – no stuffed crust, no anchovies, no olives, and no onions unless I’m in the mood. But ask me what I DO want? No clue…unless we’re talking about tattoos.

So uncertainty and I aren’t friends.


Uncertainty has earned my begrudging respect in the recent months. It went from being my nemesis to a welcome challenge. From a relationship like [Jedi vs. Sith Lord] to one more like [Ferris vs. Mr. Rooney].

No, I don’t see it as opportunity…but I do see it as potential. Endless possibilities.  If I can kick myself into gear and get over my paralyzing fear of committment to a course of action, I can turn uncertainty into something truly beautiful. Ultimately, I love it…even if it makes me uncomfortable.

Still don’t get it? Let me break it down for you, fake-philosopher-style.

Uncertainty is possibility, and possibility in itself is untapped potential for the future. Untapped potential is intimidating, yet beautiful in its fierceness. Hence, uncertainty is beautiful.

How can I say that? Just look at my current uncertainty and you tell me.

See what I mean? How lucky am I that I’m going to have to choose between these options?



We seek to learn, and when academics do not present the answers, we look inside our own beautiful imaginations for the key.

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