Posted in Humor

An open letter to E. L. James fans (and their boyfriends)

Dear women who love Fifty Shades of Grey,

After finishing the first two books in the trilogy, I can honestly say that you are all kinkier than I am if you not only managed to stomach that proclivity but actually got turned on by it. Anything I’ve ever done or fantasized about doing is super-vanilla compared to you if those books do it for you.

Not that it’s a bad thing to enjoy the idea of being tied up, beaten, or dominated…it’s just…not my cup of tea. I’m too much of a control freak to relinquish that type of power to someone else. And before you start to tell me that I’m clearly meant to be a Dominant: nope. I’m just as boring as hell in the bedroom, apparently. I seem to think that sex – much like a relationship or a game of tennis – works best when both sides are participating on equal footing with an equal chance to score, if you will.

I never really considered myself vanilla…but I suppose that if ALL these women are down with bondage, then I can’t deny my prudish nature anymore. So thanks for putting me on that moral high ground, ladies. It’s rare that I get to observe the world from these heights.

Love, me.


To men whose girlfriends love Fifty Shades of Grey,

Before you put a ring on it, you might want to take a crack at what we English teachers like to call reading. Because here’s the deal: if your girl’s been jumping you shortly after finishing chapter 20 of Fifty Shades of Grey…or better yet, chapter 16 of Fifty Shades Darker, then you are going to need to get a different kind of education than you learned in college to please her on her wedding night. Probably. I mean, every college experience is different, but, uh…yeah.

Of course, according to Mr. Grey, there are places that you can go to train for that. So long as you have the money…and the inclination to appear to wield complete control in a relationship when really the Submissive can say no any time she damn well pleases. It’s a strange operating procedure, and no one will blame you for getting out before it’s too late.

And just in case you’re telling yourself “Hey, I can deal with this. At least my girlfriend’s a grown woman with real fantasies, not like those losers who break up with their boyfriends because they don’t *sparkle* in the sun,” then I have another bit of news for you. This whole trilogy? It started as fanfiction based on the Twilight series. Major fail.

Personally, I’m not into some dude drinking my blood, putting his demon spawn in me, or tying me to the bed to tease me with some sort of fur glove only hours before beating me to tears with a belt for rolling my eyes. I mean, the kinkiest thing that I’ve ever done in recent memory was drunkenly make out with a random dude in a Cafe Brazil. And I totes beat myself up over it for a good two months. So if you’re into someone who takes smaller risks…I’m currently available. References upon request.

I know, I know. Some of you fine gentlemen may want to go all the way with the right lady. I understand that. But are you prepared to go there this instant? Now, if you don’t have the cash readily available to invest in not only the education required but also the supplies to construct a Red Room of Pain, then you may want to consider a cheaper option. (And I supply my own condoms…sooo…quite a steal, if you think about it.)

Hey, I’m just saying…your girlfriend’s crazy. But here’s my blog post…so comment maybe?
xoxo me



We seek to learn, and when academics do not present the answers, we look inside our own beautiful imaginations for the key.

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