My family is a dog family.

Have we always been one? No. We didn’t get our first dog until I was in middle school, and I’ve heard tell that my parents even owned a cat or two in the beginning of their marriage. Gross.

But now, we’re happily dog people. And even though our male-female dog ratio currently stands at 3-2, we’ve dealt with our fair share of bitches throughout the years. And yeah, I’m using the word in both its meanings for this article. Sorry if it offends.

I’m more than a little amazed to be able to draw such clear comparisons between canine bitches and human bitches in this little post, but what can I say? It works. So if you’re not too offended by my French, read on to discover the three main types of bitches, as related through my pets over the years.

Now, my dogs (both childhood and current) are all very sweet animals. But in some cases, especially when terriers are involved, there tend to be some misunderstandings about appropriate behavior. Let’s take, for example, my family’s oldest dog, Jackie.

Jackie is a Welsh terrier. Very sweet, loyal and smart. Looks like a baby Airdale. She’s also an expert vermin-hunter. So, when we tried to introduce her to Grami’s new Persian kitten 8 years ago or so, we were all pleased to see that she was calm and curious about this rodent-sized new friend…until she decided to CHOMP the poor thing’s head in her mouth.

Don’t panic, Joey’s fine. He didn’t even have a scratch on him. But, needless to say, they aren’t friends. Not even on Facebook.

Now, I think that we would all agree that Jackie wasn’t really trying to make friends with the white ball of fur presented to her that day. It was little. She didn’t like it. She wanted to eat it. And yeah, you’ll meet some people in your life like that – people who at first seem polite and mildly interested in you, but at the first sign of weakness, they’ll bite your head off, metaphorically. At least, I hope it’s only metaphorically.

In a way, I prefer the Jackie-like bitches. In fact, I have two solid reasons for this preference.

One: You know pretty fast not to trust these people. Sure, it may be painful to get burned that quickly, but at least they don’t give you a chance to really trust them.

Two: I could never be one of these people. This might sound strange, but when I describe the other two types of dangerous friends, you’ll see what I mean. I don’t want to cause anyone pain, but sometimes it just happens. See title of post.

Moving on to the first dog that was actually mine, Holly Golightly, we encounter the sneakiest type of bitch.

Holly is a Cairn terrier, and if she looks vaguely familiar, it’s because she’s the same breed as Toto from The Wizard of Oz. Much like Toto, Holly was fiercely protective of her owner (me)…and things that she owned, including food, toys, and people. She wasn’t above biting the crap out of someone to get what she wanted, though she rarely drew blood.

Despite being a total sweetheart to me, she occasionally turned on her Bitch Mode to others if they weren’t giving her what they wanted. That includes both people and other pets. She ruled the house while she was alive, much in the fashion of a teenage prom queen: through alternating bursts of beautiful flattery and wicked cruelty. Of course, she also responded in kind when being punished or “wronged,” as seen in her little doggy mind.

And let’s not forget the most important part of a Queen Bee: they have to be cute. Holly’s physical cuteness and the innocent expression that she had down pat made it hard to believe that she could be such a little brat. But looks can be deceiving, which is why most of the family sported a scar or two from a run-in with our little princess.

Holly was, to most people, the epitome of a manipulator. She was spoiled rotten because of how adorable she was, and learned very quickly that she could get what she wanted through a little nip here and there. This is how Queen Bees are, too. You may think that you’re their friend – and maybe you are. But set just one foot out of line, and they’re going to nip you so fast you won’t even remember what the hell it was you did. But when you go to be angry at them, they’re sugary sweet and have “reasons” for their ill-mannered behavior. It’s confusing to be presented with these two faces, and so we usually give them the benefit of the doubt. But one day, it’ll all get to be too much.

And finally, the sweetest (but somehow saddest) of all the biting bitches: Dorrie. Dorrie is my current princess, and she does a pretty good job of putting up with her “little” brother’s playfulness. Yes, she’ll nip back when he bites her a little too harshly, but it’s all in good fun, as opposed to the “I KILL YOU” we got with Holly.

Though her photo looks the fiercest of all, this picture is actually of her saying, “Woman. Put down that camera and let’s play!” In truth, she’s the gentlest dog that I’ve ever owned. And believe it or not – she’s not just a rescue, she’s a former stray.

The sad part is that Dorrie, bless her little heart, isn’t really that smart. She jumps at loud noises, barks at her own shadow, and forgets to watch where the ball lands when we play fetch. Her lack of intelligence contributes to her problem with making and keeping friends.

She loves cats – so much so that she tries to play with the strays that wander into the backyard and can’t fathom why they hiss and lash out at her. But the real problem with Dorrie’s bitchiness comes not from cats, but from less hurtful potential playmates. Let me explain.

This evening, Dorrie and Skeeter were lounging on my bed when Dorrie noticed the company that was present in the room. On the wall next to the bed, a large mosquito hawk had taken up residence. Dorrie, of course, immediately wanted to play. She jumped up on her hind legs and started pawing/playfully snapping at the flying thing. It, of course, did not see this as a game, but rather a fight for its life as it hovered over the wall, trying to escape the white blur.

Eventually, Dorrie managed to pin the thing down, nudge it with her nose, and grab its wings in her teeth to throw it up in the air. She may have thought she was giving it the ride of its life, but when it floated back down onto the bed, it became clear that she had actually killed the poor thing. It lay there, and she walked over to poke at it with her nose, lift one of its legs with her paw, and eventually huff in irritation at finding that her new friend didn’t want to play any more. She righteously stalked off and curled up in a ball, two feet away from her battered play pal.

See, even though I know that in this scenario, Dorrie didn’t mean to hurt the bug, her actions still make her a bitch. She totally disregarded the bug’s desire to be left alone and – let’s face it – not be crushed to death by a puppy snout/paw. She just did what she wanted to do, regardless of the consequences. And her thoughtless behavior not only makes her a bitch, but also kind of a dumb-ass.

Girls, we just have to own up to the fact that at some point, we’re all going to be bitches. Even if we don’t mean to be. It’s in our nature. Does this mean that we’re doomed to be alone and unloved?

No. It doesn’t. It actually means that we’re doomed to inevitably hurt the ones that we care about (hopefully on accident), but also that we will be forgiven for our actions.

Just look at all of the bitches (both canine and human) who have loving and dedicated families surrounding them. The truth is, no girl is excluded from this rule, and so each family has their fair share of bitches at one time or another. All we can do about it is resist when we can, try not to exacerbate the situation when we can’t, and apologize in the aftermath. Also, looking adorable helps.

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About Imagine Truth

We seek to learn, and when academics do not present the answers, we look inside our own beautiful imaginations for the key.

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