If my brain live-blogged Zumba after a 1.5 year hiatus

For a number of reasons (one of which was definitely laziness), I decided to take a half-year hiatus with my Zumba classes a year and a half ago. Yes, there’s a distinct difference. For those who may not know me incredibly well, I like to tell people that I “don’t sport,” which is a gross understatement. The good news for you, readers, is that I get extra-sassy/snarky when I’m trying to do anything that could be considered “athletic.”

Here’s an uncensored (fair warning) version of every thought I can remember between 4:21pm when I arrived at the elementary school gym to 5:38pm when I left. Times are rough and approximate, because like, I only remember precisely the beginning, dead center, and close to the end. You’ll see.

4:21 Ok, good, only like 6 people here, I’ll get a good spot. Lemme sign in.

4:22 Yeah, they definitely need this waiver from me because I’m the clumsiest damn person who ever thought about taking Zumba. It’s only a matter of time until I break a bone. Maybe today – who knows?

4:24 Okay, I can see the instructor and my purse from this angle. Second row, middle-ish. Everyone’s going to see me fuck up, but at least I’ll be able to see her well enough to know what I’m not doing right.

4:25 There’s technically-perfect girl who’s been coming for longer than I’ve been teaching, I hope she stands in front of me, because we’re equally white and I can just see what she’s doing when I don’t understand what to do with my butt.

4:26 Hey! There’s my friend that used to work with me! I hope she says hi.

4:27 God, she gives the best hugs. I miss her. Wait – is that pregnant girl? Aw, I bet her kid’s like walking and stuff now. Yikes. At least now I won’t be intimidated by the fact that an 8-and-a-half-month pregnant lady is better at Zumba than I am.

4:28 WAIT. Is pregnant girl pregnant again? Yes! Yes she is! That woman totally just touched the bump and she didn’t yell at her! Well, there goes that silver lining.

4:30 It’s nice that she remembers me, less nice that she pointed out it’s been a while for “some of us.” That’s me, folks, the girl with the tattoos all over her thighs. You were already judging me for that so….bring it, bitches

4:32 Warm up time! Yes! Hey muscles I don’t use on a regular basis! Nice to feel you again! I hope new girl has a good time and comes back. Like, I almost didn’t for the each time for the first month or so, but it got a lot better. I can’t believe I stopped, I’m so stupid.

4:34 Okay, okay, I remember these steppy things, I’m okay, I’m okay. I still hate Despacito, but it’s okay.

4:36 That was fun. I like the ones with grapevine steps. It took me so long to get good at them, but apparently they’re like riding a bike, except not for me because I can’t ride a bike anymore because of the tailbone issue, so like, maybe I’ll start referring to things that are easy as “it’s like doing a grapevine step.” People think I’m weird anyway, so it’ll be fine.

4:37 Yaaaas, lots of simple steps in this one. And the hip bump! I’m so good at the hip bump!

still 4:37 OMG, I can’t believe I can still do that whole clap-under-the-knee thing that quick, I totally thought I was going to fall on my ass when I tried that, but I am still on two feet. Yes. Success. I am amazing.

4:38 Why are these people not picking their feet up? You’re supposed to like, bounce then hop then kick, not drag then step and flail, come on, fam, get into it!

4:39 Okay, okay, this song is a little longer than I anticipated. My legs aren’t going as high anymore.

still 4:39 Maybe if I just like, stop being so bouncy, I’ll still be able to do the leg-clappy-thing.

still still 4:39 Oh GOD I’m going downhill so fast – why was I so energetic at the beginning of this song? Zumba is not a goddamned sprint, Erin, what were you thinking?

4:40 I made it. I made it. I made it.

4:41 Yep, actually drinking water now. While walking. Why is everyone else just standing while they drink their water and talk about how out of shape they are? Did no one listen to her? Like, I’m dying, but I’m still going to keep my feet moving to keep my heart rate up! Rookie move, folks.

4:42 Okay, let’s go. I hope this one is mostly upper body.

4:43 THIGHS? You can’t make us do the jumpy-clap thing and then just be like, “Oh, hey, now we’re going to go squat-jumpy-things.” That’s not okay! That’s NOT okay.

4:44 I swear to God, thighs, if you survive this, you don’t have to do anything for the rest of the week. I won’t wear boots with heels, I’ll take the elevator, just…do this for me.

4:45 My thigh muscles are to me what my students’ language skills are to them. 

4:46 Like, I could feel bad for thinking that, but I’m not going to. Hurtful? Truthful. Christ. It’s like my thigh muscles literally don’t even know how to move, which is what I hear they were designed for, because science.

4:48 Yes, yes, yes. Skinny-twisty-hippy thing. Has to be. It’s in Spanish.

4:50 I know they said the air was off, but it wasn’t really a big deal to me until now…

4:51 Ooooo, that does not feel great. This whole shimmy thing might be a bad idea for me at this particular juncture.

4:53 Okay, okay, okay, self. Let’s just…move from side to side for a minute. You’ll be okay. Just keep your feet moving and for the love of all things holy, do not pass out in this gym.

4:54 Oh God, definitely DO NOT THROW UP IN FRONT OF THESE ADULTS. Get it the fuck together, Erin.

4:55 Okay, feel better. New song, new start. And besides, maybe part of the unsettling thing is embarrassment that you had to stop and like, everyone can see you. NBD, look at the bright side – you probably made new girl feel better she was getting so upset when everyone was doing the spinny stuff and she was out of sync and then everyone saw, so she totally needed that schadenfraude.

4:56 I bet the cast of Avenue Q didn’t have to work out. I could be a puppeteer.

4:57 Oh fuck me, we’re not even halfway through yet. Dear sweet baby Jesus.

4:58 Why did I come to this? I’m so stupid. I love my fat and not being in shape. I don’t need muscles. What I need to do is lower my standards and settle for someone moderately annoying but who can reach things and lift things and do things for me and I can keep being soft and slow and he’ll love me anyway even if he’s a massive loser that I have to support and apologize for. Like, the emotional and mental strain I know how to deal with, so at this point, it might be worth it. We could just have separate bedrooms and maybe I could get a job where I travel a lot.

4:59 Oh goddamn it, if I travel a lot, then I still need to be in shape because my loser, settled-for husband won’t be there to pick things up for me. Shit shit shit.

5:01 Over the halfway mark, so I only have to….do this all over again. I might cry.

5:03 Okay, I am so lost on this one. It’s all footwork. Remember when I was good at footwork when I was like 5 and my dad was my soccer coach? That was a nice time.

5:04 At least I don’t feel like fainting again.

5:05 How unfair is it that I get 0% of either of my parents’ coordination? My dad was a gymnast and my mom likes to dance and here I am, like, “Hi, I’m Erin and I can sometimes stand still without injuring myself.” Sometimes. I’ll just…move my feet in the correct directions and not hop so people don’t realize just how off I am.

5:06 I know everyone knows how off I am. I don’t even care.

5:08 Oh, oh we’re going to use EVERY muscle in our bodies on this next one? Oh good. That will feel awesome. What do you MEAN our fingertip muscles? Those aren’t a thing. They’re like, tendons and squishy flesh. And even if there are muscles, they’re little, and they need to stay little. No one’s impressed by muscular fingers.

5:09 Open a window? There aren’t any windows to open in here. Nice imagery, but like, no one even has functional shutters like that in the United States. Maybe Greece. Are you taking us to Greece? Because then this exercise might be worth it. But to live in the US? Nah. We have to pull the windows up, so why do these muscles need to be in shape?

5:10 I better be able to manually open an elevator after this because my arms are going to punish me all day tomorrow. Are the kids using the Chromebooks? God, I hope so.

5:11 No, no, we’re not doing technology tomorrow, we’re reading the book and writing in our notebooks with me modeling under the Elmo, fuuuuuuuuuuuck. At least A Long Walk to Water is really small, but it’ll probably feel like it’s 25 pounds. Maybe I can put it on a table with like, paperweights. Do I have two paperweights? I have at least one, and like, a shit-ton of stationery implements.

5:12 I CANNOT OPEN A WINDOW SLOWER. No one opens windows slowly. In Disney movies, the princesses like, fling windows open so their fucking bird friends can fly in and help them with their chores. Where are my friends to help me? Nowhere. I have three dogs and a stray possum that refuses to be trapped, and all they do is make more problems for me. Like, I might let rats hang out if they did some chores.

5:14 All the windows are open now. Good. Let’s take it down a notch.

5:15 You did not just say more squats.

5:16 Okay, look, if you really think you want me to lunge-squat-lunge-squat and repeat, then it really has been a while since you had me in class, but okay. I signed that waiver.

5:17 I’m doing it! Hey! Just a little slippery. I’ve got this.

5:18 My thighs do NOT have this. Like, I could do straight squats but that’s the easy way out. I can do this. I can do this.

5:19 Yes, I’m fine. I’m fine. Yes, I’ll just do regular squats. Oh, NOW you remember that I’m the clumsy one? I mean, if you didn’t after watching me fall on my ass (sorry sad tailbone), then you have a shit memory, but whatever.

5:21 Thanks for that reassuring pat on the back, stranger. Like, I actually appreciate that you didn’t pretend you missed seeing the sprawl because you’re right behind me. Real. Honest. I can respect that. But we’re both really gross and sweaty, so could you actually not? Thanks.

5:22 Start out slow and speed up? Mainly upper body? Things I can do. Yes. Will survive. Can continue.

5:23 I hate this song. It’s so over played. And I can’t help singing along, at least in my head…

5:24 …now they always say congratulations…work so hard and now I die at Zumba….

5:26 My dragon is mad. My Wumps are mad. They didn’t sign up for this when they got tattooed on my thigh in January. It was winter and I’d been out of Zumba for like a year, so they thought they’d have this cush, lazy-ass life. Sucks to suck, friends.

5:28 Okay, okay, you survived, it’s time for cool down. Yes, fam, just one more. I am on board.

5:28 & 15 seconds THIS IS NOT A COOL DOWN. WHAT ARE YOU ASKING ME TO DO RIGHT NOW? THERE’S ONLY 2 MINUTES LEFT, I WAS DONE!

5:29 Look, lily-white girls like me don’t know how to move like that. And like, I see that you’re just sticking your ass out, but teacher, what do we do if we don’t have an ass to stick out? #firstworldwhitegirlproblems

5:30 I’m just going to revert to “woman who’s still moving in the correct direction but that’s about all we can say for her” and hold on.

5:32 This next song had better be the cool down or I am going to start crying in the middle of this gym and my friend left at 5:15.

5:33 Oh, praise Beelzebub it’s a cool down.

5:34 Okay, I’m all for female empowerment, but it’s not super-believable that we’re beautiful flowers that are also strong when I feel like I just got ripped from the ground, thrown in the street and run over several times. Perhaps also drawn and quartered if I had enough leaves and off-shoot stems.

5:35 I feel so tired but also accomplished. And she really is a good instructor, like, she’s so encouraging, even when you’re screwing everything up.

5:38 I need to make sure to take my workout clothes to work Thursday so I can just leave from there and there’s less concern.

 

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29 books that will change how you see the world.

29. The Book Thief by Markus Zusak

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28. The Outsiders by S. E. Hinton

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27. The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein

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26. The New Jim Crow by Michelle Alexander and Cornel West

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25. Finding Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

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24. Ella Minnow Pea by Mark Dunn

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23. The War of Art by Stephen Pressfield

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22. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

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21. The Wonderful World of Henry Sugar by Roald Dahl

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20. Graceling by Kristin Cashore

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19. …And I Never Saw Another Butterfly: Children’s Drawings and Poems from the Terezin Concentration Camp, 1942-1944

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18. Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine

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17. Nine Stories by J. D. Salinger

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16. Forgive Me, Leonard Peacock  by Matthew Quick

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15. North of Beautiful by Justina Chen Headley

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14. Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins

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13. House of Leaves by Mark Danielewski

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12. A Monster Calls by Siohan Dowd

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11. M*A*S*H by Richard Hooker

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10. Last Summer of the Death Warriors by Francisco Stork

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9. Waiting for Godot by Samuel Beckett

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8. Hero by Perry Moore

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7. The Thursday Next Series by Jasper Fforde

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6. In Cold Blood by Truman Capote

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5. The Wump World by Bill Peet

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4. The Tale of Two Dueling Neurosurgeons by Sam Kean

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3. Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs

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2. The Harry Potter series by J. K. Rowling

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1. Catch 22 by Joseph Heller

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29 of my favorite films and the witticisms I shamelessly stole from them

Anyone who knows my family knows we communicate 10-30% in movie quotes on any given day. Below are the films I’ve stolen some of my most frequently-used quotes from, in absolutely no order because I tried and it was just too hard to self-analyze based on frequency. You’ll all live.

29. Pirates of the Caribbean films
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“I love those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass by.”
“But why is the rum gone?”
“Wait for the opportune moment.”
“I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request.”
“I’m dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly, it’s the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they’re going to do something incredibly stupid.”
“They’re more what you’d call guidelines…”
“The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem.”

28. Indiana Jones
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“It’s not the years, it’s the mileage.”
“No, the OTHER right, YOUR right.”
“Snakes. Why’d it have to be SNAKES?”

27. Thank You for Smoking
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“I’m never wrong.”
“I proved that you’re wrong, and if you’re wrong, then I’m right.”
“Well, that’s one theory.”

26. Breakfast at Tiffany’s
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“It’s useful being top banana in the shock department.”
“There are certain shades of limelight that can wreck a girl’s complexion.”
“People don’t belong to people.”
“How do I look?”
“Anyone who ever gave you confidence, you owe them a lot.”
“What do you do, anyway?”

25. Wet Hot American Summer
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deadpan: “You guys aren’t supposed to be <out of your bunks>…you’re in trouble…”
“You taste like a burger, I don’t like you anymore.”
“Your craft is a muscle, you have to exercise it.”
“Take a break, think about what you’ve done.”

24. My Big Fat Greek Wedding
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“It’s okay, I make lamb.”
“Put some windex on it.”
“There’s a hole in this cake.”
“A boont?”

23. Monty Python and the Holy Grail
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“It’s just a flesh wound.”
“What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?”
“Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries.”
“A path, a path!”
“Help! Help! I’m being repressed!”
“HUGE…tracts of land.”
“There are some who call me…Tim?”
“I’m not dead yet!”
“You make me sad.”
“Run awaaaaaayyyy…”

22. Saved!
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“It’s all a grey area.”
“If God wanted us all to be the same, why would he make us all so different?”

21. Hercules
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“It’s been a real slice.”
“Memo to me, memo to me…”
“He’s a GUY.”
“I’m a big, tough girl. I tie my own sandals and everything.”
“I’m a damsel. I’m in distress. I can handle it. Have a nice day!”

20. Dogma
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“The buddy Christ!”
“Genocide’s the most exhausting activity a person can participate in…next to soccer.”
“Well, I say we get drunk, ’cause I’m all out of ideas.”
“It was worth a try.”

19. Sandlot
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“Some more of what?”
“FOR-EV-ER.”

18. Star Wars trilogy (almost cheating, I know)
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“May the force be with you.”
“I love you. /I know.”
“These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.”
“I find your lack of faith disturbing.”
“I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”
“It’s a trap!”
“Never tell me the odds.”

17. Dazed and Confused
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“Alright, alright, alright…”
“You know what I like about high school[ers]?”
“All I’m saying is that if I ever start referring to these as the best years of my life – remind me to kill myself.”

16. Out Cold
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“Carpe the diem. Seize the…carp.”
“Needed burnin'”
“Well, see ya out there!”
“He…died. In a freak dogsled accident. Yeah, an 8-dogsled pile-up. It’s was horrible. The dogs are okay…”
“Everybody knows, nobody cares.”

15. Orange County
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“Money can’t buy happiness!” “Oh grow up, yes it can!”
“Where are your pants, Joe?” “I had to take them off…to run faster through the flames…”
“And she said, I hate my job, I’m gonna burn this mother down! And I said, you better not…you, you better not…”

14. The Princess Bride
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“You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”
“Life is pain, anyone who says different is selling something.”
“You’re only saying that because no one ever has.”
“As you wish.”
“Your vote of confidence is overwhelming.”

13. Love Actually
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“Just in cases!”
“Life is full of interruptions and complications.”
“FUCK! It’s freezing!”
“Hiya kids, here’s an important message form your Uncle Bill…”
“I don’t want something I need. I want something I want.”
“Do you think everybody knows?”

12. When Harry Met Sally
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“I’ll have what she’s having.”
“You’re right, you’re right, I know, you’re right.”
“On the side is a very big thing with you.”
“See, you look normal, but actually you’re the devil.”

11. Blazing Saddles
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“‘Scuse me while I whip this out.”
“And isn’t it a love-e-ly mornin?”
“Are we awake?”
“Splendid, splendid.”
“Hello boys, have a good night’s rest? I missed you!”
“Harumph, harumph!”
“Wilkommen, bienvenue, welcome, come on in!”
“Need any help?” “Oh, all I can get.”
“Schnitzengruben.”
“I must, I must!”
“These are people of the land…the common clay…you know, morons.”
“Lily lily lily legs lily lily” (to my dog, don’t worry)

10. Some Like It Hot
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“They all just want one thing from a girl.”
“I always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop!”
“Well, nobody’s perfect.”

9. What Happens in Vegas
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“You know why.”
“Seriously? I like, threw up in my purse last night.”
“I’m just giving you what you want, baby.”

8. Mean Girls
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“Boo, you whore.”
“Please stop talking.”
“You can’t just ask someone why she’s white.”
“I just have a lot of feelings.”
“You can’t sit with us!”
“Why are you so obsessed with me?”

7. America’s Sweethearts
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“I’m a paranoid schizophrenic, I am my own entourage.”
“I dream about bread.”
“Ever heard of falling off the wagon? This is what it looks like.”
“Life is a cookie.”
“Kiki! Kikikins!”
“I don’t care.”
“You’re the only one she’ll pretend to listen to.”

6. Little Miss Sunshine
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“Losers are people who are so afraid of winning, they don’t even try.”
“When you’re young, you’re crazy to do that shit. I’m old! When you’re old, you’re crazy not to do it.”
“You’re not nearly as stupid as you look.”
“Fuck a lotta women, kid, I have no reason to lie to you. Not just one, a lotta women.”
“High school’s your prime suffering years! You don’t get better suffering than that!”
“You do what you love and fuck the rest.”
“Everybody just pretend to be normal.”

5. The Sweetest Thing
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“That is the sweetest thing!”
“You named the puppy.”
“50% of what people say when they’re joking is true.”
“NO. That is NOT okay.”
“Yeah, no, I’m good, never better – never better.”
“You can always just…get divorced!”
“I look beautiful.”

4. 10 Things I Hate About You
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“…and hell is just a sauna.”
“Hates you with the first of a thousand suns.”
“So now that you’ve seen *the plan* I’m going to go show…the plan…to someone else.”
“I don’t want to hear that defeatist attitude from you.”
“Are you saying I’m not a pretty guy?”
“The shit hath hiteth the fan-eth.”
“I’m confiscating this. This too.”
“Someday, you’re gonna get bitch slapped and I’m not gonna do a thing to stop it.”
“Don’t let anyone, ever, make you feel like you don’t deserve what you want.”
“I know you can be overwhelmed and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?”
“I want you, I need you, oh baby, oh baby.”
“Just because you’re beautiful doesn’t mean you can treat people like they don’t matter.”

3. Eurotrip
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“Seemed easier.”
“I am never drinking again.”
“This is definitely where I parked my car.”
“The girls never came!”
“I’m freakin’ out, man, I’m freakin’ out!
“Here’s a fun fact…”

2. Zoolander
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“…it doesn’t mean that we too can’t not die in a freak gasoline fight accident.”
“How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read… if they can’t even fit inside the building?”
“I’m pretty sure there’s a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking.”
“Are you serious? I just told you that a moment ago.”
“I think I’m getting the black lung, pop.”

1. Garden State 
giphy.gif“Don’t tease me about my hobbies. I don’t tease you about being an asshole.”
“If you can’t laugh at yourself, life’s going to seem a whole lot longer than you’d like.”
“Good luck exploring the infinite abyss.”
“So what do we do now?”

 

29 videos that make me happy.

This is a day late…but yesterday would have been a day early…February is a little bit crazy, but it still deserves a #29for29 list.

Life is full of ups and downs, twists and turns…and we all have our ways of dealing with them. One of my favorite methods of dealing with the less-than-pleasant world is to watch videos that bring me joy.

Here are my top 29, ordered from amusing to life-bringing. Watch at your leisure.

29. Obama’s like a real person

 

28. Weekend Update Joke-off (where my fave people on SNL were all together)

 

27. Pretty much any Scrubs episode prior to season 7. Here are some options for you (and I do the first one, btw).

 

26. Canadian Tire thingy aka…sappy teacher video

 

25. Jack Sparrow

 

24.  Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog (the middle is my favorite part)

 

23. The adorable laughing penguin.

 

22. Movie Insults (for when you want to say things you shouldn’t)

 

21. The end of Crazy Stupid Love

 

20. Any of Jimmy’s Thank You notes

 

19. Dick in a Box (an oldie but a goodie)

 

18. The final Obama Anger Translator (because I can’t anymore)

 

17. If you’re not a Texas Tech fan, you won’t get this one – if you are, I don’t need to explain. Crappy video quality, sure, but my memory is sharp.

 

16. The Little Miss Sunshine dance scene

 

15. Bruce Willis as Rachel’s boyfriend

 

14. Glove and Boots Hero’s Journey (yes, it’s educational, but I still love it)

 

13. Drunk History vol. 5 Remember when drunk history was only online? I do. I’m so old.

 

12. Any Celebrity Jeopardy sketch with “Sean Connery” in it. That 40th anniversary edition is like a high school classroom.

 

11.Kyle’s Mom (no, I’m not better than this)

 

10. Beyonce’s dancers

 

9. Sassy Gay Friend – Giving Tree

 

8. The Mysterious Ticking Noise

 

7. Whine about it: Why mornings are the worst

 

6. America’s Sweethearts buffet monologue – I know this whole thing. Like, memorized.

 

5. Bonjour, Girl!

 

4. The convenience store scene. Sorry not sorry. At all.

 

3. 2015 Madden commercial (I still love it, shamelessly. I still don’t totally know why.)

 

2. Substitute teacher video pt. 1

 

1. Substitute teacher video pt. 3 (low quality, I know, sorry, but it’s worth it)

29 unforgettable experiences

I’ve had 29 years and 8 months of experiences. And as Colbert would say, I love experiencing experiences. Many of these experiences have made me a better person. Others have made great stories. At the end of the day, these 29 experiences have helped make me the person I am today.

29. Watching my high school football team win the state playoffs. The rain, the chilly weather, and awful playing conditions definitely made the showdown seem Hollywood-worthy. It also solidified my love of the game and being a fan.

28. Riding out a tornado at Sea World. I know, sounds like a Sharknado spin-off, but it happened. While I don’t think it really shaped me, it’s unforgettable.

27. Harvesting wine grapes. Never underestimate the power of a working weekend vacation.

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26. Road tripping late at night.  When you’re in college, it’s always a great idea to drive 5 hours one way from Columbia, MO to Ames, Iowa and back on a weeknight to see Frank Warren speak. It’s also always a good idea to go for extensively long weeknight drives to air out frustration, even if you do end up in Fulton, MO.

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25. Seeing Hot Hot Heat perform at the Blue Note in Columbia, Missouri my freshman year. I didn’t know who they were, but I do now, and it continues to stand as the best concert experience I’ve ever had.

24. Getting my tattoos. There are people who appreciate body art and people who don’t. I OBVIOUSLY love it – even if those two-three weeks after going under the needle are less than comfortable.

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23. Finishing a whole chapstick. No, for real, it happened. I couldn’t believe it, and I don’t think that I’ve ever felt a greater sense of achievement.

22. Finishing my first book. Despite the fact that I will never, ever, ever have that one published, it was truly a labor of love and one of the top 5 things I’m proud of in my life.

21. Seeing Barack Obama speak at Mizzou before the election. It wasn’t just that he was a phenomenal speaker or that he became President, it was the whole process and feeling of the night. When there’s that much energy focused in the same direction, you can feel it in the air.

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20. Getting pulled over for the first time. I drive with purpose. Sometimes that purpose is also quite urgent (or I feel like it is, anyway) and I end up driving a little faster than I should. I doubt that I’ll ever NOT drive like this, but the first time I got pulled over will always stick in my mind when I hit that one speed…

19. Being snow-stranded in NYC. As much as I love my friends and love traveling, I’m really, really bad when my travels don’t go as planned. I learned a ton about my tolerance for incongruity that three days.

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18. Taking a positive psychology class. This class was one of the least-important classes I’ve ever taken, but I also have to say that

17. Seeing my name in print for the first time. It was addictive, and I still miss it a little. But in the end, I’m not about that cutthroat life and I want to actually MAKE change happen, not just write about people who do.

16. My second first kiss. When your first kiss is at age 5 on the playground, the second one is the real first one.

15. Doing missionary work in Piedras Negras and Eagle Pass. The summer after my freshman year of high school, I went on a mission trip with my (soon-to-be-abandoned-by-me) church. A lot of what happened on that trip informed my opinions about missionary vs aid work and helped me realize what I consider to be my ultimate goal in life: helping others.

14. Finally attending an Aimee Mann concert. I’ve loved Aimee Mann’s music since I was but a wee middle school student, so actually seeing her in concert after years of pining was absolutely amazing. It was an experience I’ll never forget.

13. Earning a journalism degree at Mizzou. Believe me, Mizzou’s undergrad program truly deserves its notoriety. There are things you learn about life, people, and the world as a working reporter that you can’t learn any other way. And Mizzou is the best place to do it.

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12. Breaking my tailbone. So much pain. Going to classes and standing up the whole time. Not being able to actually SIT for a while. Whole thing.

11. The first time I bought something in a single-digit size. Yes, body positivity! We’re all beautiful! But really, I still remember the day that I actually fit into a size 8 pants and I started crying in the dressing room.

10. Every time I’ve thrown a dance. I love hosting things, whether it’s at my house or elsewhere. Homecoming at MHS, the Honors dances at Mizzou, I loved all the stress and excitement combined.

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9. Graduating high school. I know, my college degree doesn’t make the cut, but this one does? Yeah, because leaving high school is like discovering that a whole world is open to you. That feeling is the best in the world.

8. Watching the kids I taught for three years move on to high school. I had all the feels with this one, because in my mind and heart, those kids were my kids – still are. I was a hot fucking mess for like 48 hours, but I wouldn’t trade knowing those kiddos for anything.

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7. Buying a house. I’m so bad at making decisions that I can still remember the anxiety I felt at pulling the trigger on buying my house. Yet, I absolutely love it and it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

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6. Almost flipping my car in the snow. Aaaaaand continuing to drive from Columbia, MO to Olathe, KS because I was determined to make it the hell out of dodge for the holiday. I was a fool. But oh well.

5. Going through therapy. Best decision I’ve made for my own health, ever. If you truly want to know yourself and improve your life, consider it.

4. Adopting & rehabilitating a street dog (or three). Each of my fur babies have come to me with their own stories and their own struggles. Figuring out earn their trust, keep them healthy, and make them a part of the family made me a better person.

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3. Studying abroad in South America. It make have been a short stay, but learning how to communicate across cultures, expanding my horizons, and building connections in Argentina, Chile, and Uruguay really made an impact on how I imagined my future and what I believed I could do.

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2. Being a PA. I swear, being a PA was the best preparation for anything life can throw at me. Except like, paying taxes and bills and whatnot. But everything else? Yeah. Definitely. And it gave me confidence I never had before – so I owe ResLife one (or 18,000).

1. Traveling alone. I recently went to the UAE and Ghana, but I’ve been other places on my own before – from Chicago to Boston to road trips galore. Truth is, you learn something new about yourself with each trip.

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8 more years? Pretty please?

Eight years ago, I was so excited for President Obama to be inaugurated that I could barely contain myself.

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I’d recently been to Argentina, Chile, and Uruguay, where I had many conversations in broken Spanish about Barack Obama, sharing excitement with my new international friends over the choices of my home country. I was ready to see what amazing connections were ahead for not just me as a person, but for our country as a whole.

In 2008, I had the privilege of casting my first official Presidential vote for a man I believed in, a man who was classy and inspiring when he came to speak at Mizzou, a man who admitted his flaws, who wasn’t afraid to be genuine with the public (as much as a politician ever is), and a man who I hoped would make me proud to be American again. Then, I’d shared the anticipation then celebration of election night (and a truly delectable fruit pizza) with friends.

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In 2012, I once again cast my vote for President Obama and Uncle Joe. I couldn’t wait to write yet another congratulatory letter to Michelle and BoBama (and the girls, too, I guess). I even stuck a bumper sticker on the back of Chompers.

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You know those things are forever, fam.

So many of my fellow voters had been disillusioned by what they saw as his short comings in his first term that I found myself constantly defending my enthusiasm to vote for him again. Which prompted me to make my election blog focused on celebrating his successes (https://obamawesome.wordpress.com/) rather than on knocking the competition, like 2008’s 72 People Who Would Make a Better President than McCain. Because Uncle Joe is right.

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President Obama never once disappointed me. He even achieved more of what he promised than I originally thought possible. He has been president for the entirety of my pseudo-adult, post-college life. Facing a political atmosphere so very different from what I’ve become a functioning almost-grown-up in is rather intimidating, but I owe it to myself and to President Obama to keep standing up for and working for the betterment of my fellow humans.

What I’m thankful for, more than anything else in the past eight years, is the class, compassion, and level-headedness he embodied while ushering the United States into a more inclusive, equal era. Nothing that happens for the next four years can ever take away the last eight. Even as Obama is leaving, he’s still looking out for us, still the guy who’s supporting us, and telling us that “We’re going to be okay.

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Thank you all for being there for us, and for each other.

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#29for29 goals progress update

Instead of New Year’s resolutions, I’m checking in on my own #29for29 goals that are going to run out of time in five short months.

The end of 2016 was pretty cray for me, so let’s see where I’m at.

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  1. Visit two new countries I’ve never been to before.  Ghana and Dubai
  2. Take a cooking class. December 16, Dad and I went to a class that was all about cranberries.
  3. Work out again. For at least a solid 3-6 months routine if not longer.
  4. Attend a gala. Went to the Margarita Ball November 19th to benefit children’s charities.
  5. Plant a tree.
  6. Do something that absolutely terrifies me.
  7. Write a new book. It’s coming along really slowly. I may have to substitute something else here…
  8. Learn how to do one fancy hairstyle really, really well. I can do one fairly decent, but it needs some work.
  9. Make a pilgrimage to my heart-home. Spring Break?
  10. Re-read Jasper Fforde’s books I love and read the new ones for the first time.
  11. While I’m at it, let’s do the same for Harry Potter. Progress so far: I’m in Book 4.
  12. Buy a stranger’s dinner. Did this one a couple of times, actually.
  13. Finally learn to use my sewing machine.
  14. Complete a 30-day photo challenge.
  15. Go clubbing. In two different cities, no less.
  16. Catch up with all the people with whom I never intended to lose touch.
  17. Find a new volunteering opportunity.
  18. Get a makeover, just for fun. Rolled this one into the gala one on November 19.
  19. Have a legit 12-hour movie marathon – topic to be determined.
  20. Finish my “Girl Power” wall of inspiration (for now, I’m never really done with any of my creative projects).
  21. Write fan letters to the five people whose work I admire most. 2 down.
  22. Spend a day completely by myself.
  23. Get another tattoo. Already working on it, should get started within the next week – but it’s a doozy, so it’ll take a couple of sessions.
  24. Color something every. single. week. So far.
  25. Throw a four-course dinner party that I cook myself. December 29th!
  26. Mark one more off my list of the “World’s Most Beautiful Libraries.” George Peabody Library in Baltimore
  27. Learn to meditate.
  28. See at least one more live performance of *something.* I’ve been to so, so many. Seth Meyers, jazz, poetry reading, cultural dancing in Dubai, DNCE in January…
  29. Write a “29” blog post every month. So far!

So. 11 done, 5 in progress, 2 good so far, and 11 to go.

Still making it! But I need to get a small move on, because I’m over halfway out of time and not quite halfway done with the list. I’m sure I can do it.

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29 pieces of advice to live by

Hey fam, forgot to post this yesterday in all the dinner-party-throwing-hoopla. But better late than never, eh?

Earlier this week, I wrote about the importance of mantras and making sure that yours isn’t leading you down a bad path. Obviously, I’ve been a little introspective about these things lately, so I’ve found it pretty easy to come up with 29 pieces of advice I try to use as guidelines (not rules) that I want to share for this month’s #29for29.

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23. Don’t feel guilty for doing what’s best for you.

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21. He was going to live forever, or die in the attempt.  – Catch-22

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17. Things that matter most must never be at the mercy of things that matter least. -Goethe

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14. Take chances, make mistakes, get messy. -Ms. Frizzle

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9. We must learn who is gold and who is gold plated.

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6. Wherever you go, you take yourself with you. -Neil Gaiman

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3. Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people. – Mr. Rogers

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1. Know your own happiness. -Jane Austen

Change your mantra, change your life

“Every day may not be good but there is good in every day.”

“You are enough.”

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.”


Lots of people have mantras. I’ve always kid of rolled my eyes at people who have mantras, particularly when those mantras are very popular in the retail industry.

Of course, many people would argue that I do live by a mantra. After all, my first tattoo was a single word that could be interpreted as a lifelong mantra.

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There’s a different meaning for that tattoo, believe me.

But the truth is, people who say I live by mantras are right. It’s just…I don’t wear those mantras on my sleeve. Or my thigh. And often, I’m not even aware of them myself. Case in point: 2016.

Now look, a few weeks ago, I defended 2016. I told people it wasn’t so bad and that we were just letting the election and other political tensions overshadow everything else.

2016 heard me and made me regret defending it. In ways I never expected.

So, going into 2017, I’ve realized that I set myself up for my stressful end to the year, and not just with my mouth. This year, without ever truly thinking it, my mantra has been “prepare for the worst.

In 2016, I prepared for the worst when I…

  • took a giant bag of motion sickness medicine (that I didn’t end up needing) and other drugs on my spring break cruise.
  • kept emailing and emailing and emailing and calling and calling and calling my grad school advisor until he finally answered because I was afraid he’d set me up for failure (he did, but a quick call to the Dean took care of it).
  • wrote out an official last will and testament, had it notarized, and left it with an uninterested yet terribly reliable party before embarking on my solo trip to Ghana and Dubai (I’m obviously alive).
  • started not just looking but actually interviewing for jobs outside of education within a week of the new school year (necessity of this tbd).
  • stayed at home on election night instead of joining a watch party (although…I was preparing for the worst and the slightly not-so-awful there, so…).

I even reinforced it year-round with this photo as my lock screen:

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At first, this may just look like a classic dog-mom pic, but there’s more to that story. Exactly a year ago, I woke up on December 27th and looked at the super-cute photo of my dogs I had taken the night before.

On December 26th, 2015, a tornado rushed through my locale, sucking all of the air out of my street as I checked on the neighbor kids a mere 30 minutes before it touched down a few miles West of me in Sunnyvale and Garland. We were lucky in Mesquite. We didn’t even have wind damage.

However, before I got the phone call from my neighbors stranded at work and worried about their kiddos, I’d already been sitting in my bathtub, hunkered down with my dogs. In fact, the moment the siren went off, I’d grabbed all three of them, dumped them in the bathtub, gone back for their leashes and then leashed them to the exposed bathtub pipe (thanks, Twister).

Finally, I grabbed a couple of quilts, my laptop, my phone, my folder of important documents, and Oatmeal. I was prepared to lose the entire house, except hopefully my newly remodeled bathroom with full-length concrete board behind that subway tile and Tiffany-blue paint.

But like I said, we were lucky. I was thankful.

I also didn’t trust it. I left my dogs’ leashes attached to the pipe all night. I left my bag of necessities there. I even left the laptop, though I slept with my phone.

When I finally work up, I made this adorable yet pseudo-neurotic photo my lock screen and read about all of the people who didn’t manage to dodge the tornado. I called around, donated supplies, volunteered to walk displaced pups, and made sure to stay out of relief workers’ way. But in the back of my mind that day, my wheels were turning, reminding myself that if that tornado had touched down just a few miles east, all my precautions would have been necessary.

That’s how I lived 2016. Constantly on my toes, waiting for something to go wrong, and expecting the worst.

But here’s the thing: when you prepare for the worst, sometimes it turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

In 2016, my self-fulfilling prophecy became a GIANT snowball that picked me up in late August and has been slowly crushing me into it as it continued its descent.

Not anymore. Starting today, I’ve changed my lock screen to something new. Something better. Something like a…uh…positive force to remind me that even when it feels as if all the good in the world has been sucked out, there is still “hope, happiness, and the desire to survive.”

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29 songs I will never stop loving

I’ve spent quite a lot of time on this blog in the past presenting my fave music videos. So, it seemed fitting that for my half-birthday, I post the 29 songs that I can pretty much guarantee I will never stop loving. 

Rather than explain them, I shall merely post them in order for your judgement. With music videos, when applicable. NSFW choices have a *** after them for your viewing.

29. #selfie by The Chainsmokers

28. Gasolina by Daddy Yankee ft. Pitbull***

27. Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-a-lot***

26. Grand Theft Autumn by Fall Out Boy

25. Hotel California by The Eagles

24. You Don’t Know Me by Ben Folds

23. Boys in the Hood by Dynamite Hack***

22. Vienna by Elton John

21. Gently by Tenacious D*** (Seriously.)

20. The Things We Do for Love by 10cc

19. Wild Wild West by Will Smith

18. Pretty Fly (for a White Buy) by The Offspring

17. Love You Much Better by The Hush Sound

16. These Boots Were Made for Walkin’ by Nancy Sinatra

15. Tyler by The Toadies***

14. I’m on a Boat by The Lonely Island***

13. All I Want for Christmas by Mariah Carey

12. You Make My Dreams by Hall & Oates (and others)

11. I Won’t Say I’m in Love from Disney’s Hercules

10. The Immigrant Song by Led Zeppelin

9. Alive with the Glory of Love by Say Anything!

8. When the Lights Go Out by Five

7. Benny and the Jets by Elton John

6. Say You’ll Be There by the Spice Girls

5. The Lonely Goatherd from The Sound of Music

4. Get Low by Lil’ John and the Ying Yang Twins***

3. Pony by Ginuwine

2. Driving Sideways by Aimee Mann

1. I’m Looking Through You by The Beatles